I am all about fairness.
I hate seeing wrongs go un-righted. I hate seeing hard work go unrewarded. I hate it when lovely and humble people are downtrodden. I hate it when arrogant, mean and selfish people are rewarded with power, popularity and wealth.
As a parent, I hate to see my childrens' examples of kindness, love, selflessness go unnoticed and unrewarded. And I hate it when their examples of unkindness, violence, selfishness go uncorrected.
But, as much as I would like to, I can't see perfect justice and fairness in the world (in this world). And, as much as I would like to, I can't maintain perfect justice and fairness as a parent.
As a parent, I hate to see my childrens' examples of kindness, love, selflessness go unnoticed and unrewarded. And I hate it when their examples of unkindness, violence, selfishness go uncorrected.
But, as much as I would like to, I can't see perfect justice and fairness in the world (in this world). And, as much as I would like to, I can't maintain perfect justice and fairness as a parent.
Sometimes it is better to be gracious than to be right.
Sometimes misbehaviour requires a cuddle rather than a time-out. Sometimes understanding is more important than correction. Sometimes my child requires empathy, rather than punishment.
Sometimes misbehaviour requires a cuddle rather than a time-out. Sometimes understanding is more important than correction. Sometimes my child requires empathy, rather than punishment.
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Miss 3 is struggling with our move. She is so, so sad. She has left behind a clear weekly structure of preschool, playgroup, Sunday school. She has changed homes, suburbs, bedrooms. She has no preschool to attend (until next year). We have not settled on a church, Sunday school, playgroup, Bible study. Our house is in disarray with kitchen and bathroom renovations. We haven't even been consistently eating meals in the same place (sometimes we have been eating at my in-laws' place).
Miss 3's behaviour has been worse than I've ever known it. I took her to library story-time on Friday. She had a tantrum when I asked her to share the pink scissors with the boy next to her. I had to carry her out of the library and straight to the car with her back arched, kicking and screaming. Tonight, Miss 3 had another screaming, kicking tantrum when Matt asked her to swap chairs with me at the dinner table. We are unaccustomed to such physical, violent and angry reactions from Miss 3.
My tendency to fair and just parenting tells me that this behaviour is unacceptable and needs correction. It is (unacceptable) and it does (need correction).
But, gracious parenting isn't always fair and just. It isn't always about the punishment fitting the crime. Does my little girl need a time-out or a hug? Does she need to hear that her behaviour is unacceptable or does she need to know that her behaviour is forgiven? Doesn't she need to hear that we know her sadness, her difficulty coping with the transitions? Doesn't she need to know that we understand her desire to control the little things (such as where she sits or the pink scissors), when the big things are so out of control for her?
For us right now, it is better to be gracious parents than "right" parents.
Do you find tension between being a fair and just parent, and being a gracious parent? How does it look in the way you (aim to) treat your children?
Great post Julie. It is hard to find the balance between being fair/just and being gracious. Sometimes we need to take a step back and look at where our children's behaviour is coming from, rather than just jumping in with the time-outs. It's great that your daughter has parents like you who can recognise that and can be gracious in your response.
ReplyDeleteWe had similar problems with Mr Z when we moved house - he was only 3 too and was very unsettled, especially as it was the second move in 12 months, the poor guy was clearly unsettled. Finding the balance between correction and cuddles was very hard. Huge hugs, you'll get there.
ReplyDeleteyes, hang in there! - our eldest uses mighty tantrums as his 'coping mechanism/stress reaction' - he was brilliant with his new baby sister when he was 2, yet these wobblies appeared over seemingly little issues... he had a bout of them again starting pre-school at 4 and school at 5, and sadly his wonderful teacher died 2 weeks ago and they have re-surfaced. When we know the underlying reason to his tantrums, we usually send him to his room - as he needs his own space to be able to compose himself - he is not punished in these circumstances but does need to apologise if he has caused harm during a tanty, once he's cooled down. You are doing the right thing, yes, its a balancing act, I trust you can keep centred :)
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