Early in the new year, I was watching The View when I heard about this new (controversial) book. The Secret Lives of Wives is the result of 2 years of research. Iris Krasnow interviewed 200 long-term married women, who shared their "secrets" to long marriage.
Based on what I have heard/ read about the book, I probably won't be reading it. But here are the top 6 "secrets" of a long-term marriage (according to the book):
1. Make out with old boyfriends
2. Go on separate vacations
3. Get yourself a platonic boyfriend
4. Lower your expectations
5. Choose Mr. Predictable
6. Keep secrets from your spouse
No wonder marriages are messed-up. Surely some of these must be tongue-in-cheek, no?
Now, I admit that I have not been married as long as the 200 women interviewed for this book, but I do keep my ears open for good marriage advice. And, 8.5 years has to count for something! Here are my preferred top 6 "secrets" of long-term marriage, as passed on to me over the years.
1. Marry the right man. "Right" does not mean the most handsome, the most intelligent, the wittiest, the most popular or the most sought-after. To me, Mr. Right is striving to be more like Jesus, desires to lay down his life for his wife, is kind and caring and selfless and thinks the world of his wife. And he always means what he says (e.g. predictable, trustworthy). When I was a uni student, an older woman gave me this advice: Marry a man who loves those who are unlovely. Then he will always love you too. I followed this advice. And he does.
2. Don't let divorce or separation be an option. Exceptions sadly occur (such as an old friend of mine who was beaten by her husband and ended the marriage for her own safety), but in the midst of an argument or misunderstanding (which can almost always be resolved), don't even let not resolving it be a consideration.
3. Make your husband your best friend and confidante. Sometimes husbands aren't great listeners. Sometimes they don't have the capacity to listen (due to external stress and other factors). It can be tempting to find a confidante outside of marriage (in a female friend, sister, parent etc). The more you reach outside of your marriage, the looser the bonds between you and your husband become. Confide in God first, and persevere with opening up the communication in your marriage. Become a great listener too!
4. Keep having dates - especially when kids are in the picture. Don't make your marriage all about being parents.
5. Get physical as much as possible. Not just sex (though that is part of it), but sit next to each other, give a back rub, hold hands...
6. Find out what makes your spouse most feel loved (e.g. letters, kind words, physical affection, time out...) and do this as often as possible.
Now, I admit that I have not been married as long as the 200 women interviewed for this book, but I do keep my ears open for good marriage advice. And, 8.5 years has to count for something! Here are my preferred top 6 "secrets" of long-term marriage, as passed on to me over the years.
1. Marry the right man. "Right" does not mean the most handsome, the most intelligent, the wittiest, the most popular or the most sought-after. To me, Mr. Right is striving to be more like Jesus, desires to lay down his life for his wife, is kind and caring and selfless and thinks the world of his wife. And he always means what he says (e.g. predictable, trustworthy). When I was a uni student, an older woman gave me this advice: Marry a man who loves those who are unlovely. Then he will always love you too. I followed this advice. And he does.
2. Don't let divorce or separation be an option. Exceptions sadly occur (such as an old friend of mine who was beaten by her husband and ended the marriage for her own safety), but in the midst of an argument or misunderstanding (which can almost always be resolved), don't even let not resolving it be a consideration.
3. Make your husband your best friend and confidante. Sometimes husbands aren't great listeners. Sometimes they don't have the capacity to listen (due to external stress and other factors). It can be tempting to find a confidante outside of marriage (in a female friend, sister, parent etc). The more you reach outside of your marriage, the looser the bonds between you and your husband become. Confide in God first, and persevere with opening up the communication in your marriage. Become a great listener too!
4. Keep having dates - especially when kids are in the picture. Don't make your marriage all about being parents.
5. Get physical as much as possible. Not just sex (though that is part of it), but sit next to each other, give a back rub, hold hands...
6. Find out what makes your spouse most feel loved (e.g. letters, kind words, physical affection, time out...) and do this as often as possible.
What do you think of Krasnow's "secrets"? What are your top 6?
