Just before Christmas, I read Children are people too by Dr. Louise Porter. A friend has been recommending this book to me for some time. The book outlines a guidance approach to parenting. It is throwing out the rewards and punishments. Rather than rewarding or punishing behaviour, it is all about guiding behaviour.
I won't do an in-depth book review right now. Suffice to say, there are a few things I disagree with, but lots of things that are very helpful.
When it comes to learning, I had five big light-bulb moments:
- Rewarding desirable behaviour does not necessarily lead to an increase in that behaviour. Rewards often do not provide specific enough direction or guidance about what is expected.
- Likewise, punishing undesirable behaviour does not necessarily lead to a decrease in that behaviour (particularly when the one who punishes is not watching).
- Using rewards and punishments as your primary parenting method, puts the parent in a reactive, rather than proactive position when it comes to guiding their child. The parent needs to wait on the child to behave, before providing consequences.
- Using punishment with a highly emotional child (e.g. during a tantrum) can actually cause the tantrum to increase in duration and/or intensity. It exacerbates the situation. When a child is emotionally overwhelmed (such as during a tantrum), they are unable to make the connection between consequences and the behaviour that precipitated the consequence. Punishment in these situations is not only useless, it can be detrimental.
- Choosing not to punish a certain behaviour is not the same as tolerating that behaviour
During my reading of Children are people too, I reflected on our own experiences in parenting. For our family, rewards and punishments have worked really well when our children are in a pattern of general desirable behaviour. But, there have been times when our children (and I mostly mean Miss 3) have been in a very difficult cycle. These times have usually coincided with over-tiredness, sickness or a period of change for our family.
During these periods, the pattern for our family has often been:
Increased difficult behaviour = increased punishment and decreased rewards = angry people (us and Miss 3) = less fun together = deteriorating relationships = increased difficult behaviour = increased punishment... and the pattern continues.
I have noted that during these periods, the pattern has never been broken by increasing negative consequences. We have never noted a decrease in difficult behaviour by increasing punishment. And, controversially, I have to say; it doesn't matter how consistent we are. When we are in this pattern, consistency still does not work. The pattern is usually broken with improved sleep, getting better from sickness or adjusting to a new circumstance or routine. We start to have more fun together. We go back to 'normal' for a week, or a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months. Then the bad pattern starts again.
In the midst of these negative cycles, I have often asked my husband; "What are we doing wrong?". Children are people too helps me put my finger on a few areas we can change. I am not suggesting that we have been doing everything wrong. (In my opinion, my husband is about the best father a child could ask for!). Maybe for some children, parenting methods focusing on rewards and punishment are adequate. Maybe not for Miss 3.
I intend to blog about some specifics in the future, but two keywords for me are grace and relationship. These words are my own summary. They do not come out of the book, but they help pinpoint the goal of what needs to change. I should add that Children are people too is not a Christian book - hence some of the bits I disagree with - however, in my opinion, the methods in the book can be used consistently with biblical parenting goals and principles. (To read more about biblical parenting goals and principles, see this post and this post. (Click to read the posts).
In the midst of these negative cycles, I have often asked my husband; "What are we doing wrong?". Children are people too helps me put my finger on a few areas we can change. I am not suggesting that we have been doing everything wrong. (In my opinion, my husband is about the best father a child could ask for!). Maybe for some children, parenting methods focusing on rewards and punishment are adequate. Maybe not for Miss 3.
I intend to blog about some specifics in the future, but two keywords for me are grace and relationship. These words are my own summary. They do not come out of the book, but they help pinpoint the goal of what needs to change. I should add that Children are people too is not a Christian book - hence some of the bits I disagree with - however, in my opinion, the methods in the book can be used consistently with biblical parenting goals and principles. (To read more about biblical parenting goals and principles, see this post and this post. (Click to read the posts).
Do rewards and punishment work for your kids? Or do you do something different?
