I've finally finished reading through Dr. Ross Campbell's How to Really Love your Child (I blogged about it without actually reading it many moons ago...)
The whole book (almost) is absolutely fantastic. but, the most convicting part for me was on Loving your angry child. I can assure you, we have angry children here from time to time! I don't think I've dealt with my kids' anger very well.
Part of what has made anger hard for me to deal with is the personalities of both Matt and I. Neither of us is particularly prone to loud displays of anger. This is not to say we don't get angry, but, when we express it inappropriately it is usually by whinging or passive aggression, rather than shouting or active aggression. (Though I do shout at my children more than I like!). My childhood family was similar to this. I'm not really used to loud tantrums, shouting etc
Consider what we (as adults) do when we feel angry. There are usually three options:
- We repress the anger - (and usually bring it out later)
- We express the anger in an appropriate way - negotiation/ discussion/ maybe a self-imposed time-out
- We express the anger inappropriately - aggression, whinging, blaming someone else...
Children need to operate the same way. They can express anger (appropriately or inappropriately) or repress their anger.
I realise that I have (sub-consciously) been making my children repress their anger. While repressing anger works in the short-term, it doesn't really do much for the child, and for relationships in the long-term.
I have been making my children repress their anger by:
- Immediately squashing (or trying to squash) any signs of anger or grumpiness ("say that with a happy voice", "show me your happy face")
- Immediately squashing inappropriate displays of anger ("Stand up. We do not throw ourselves on the ground", "Stop that. We don't hit...", "If you can't play kindly, you will play by yourself" etc)
- Not providing an alternative, appropriate outlet for anger (discussion, providing ideas for alternatives...)
- Meeting anger with anger - escalating, rather than resolving the situation
Ironically, while I was writing this post (about 2 paragraphs ago), God gave me the opportunity to try something different. One of my children was upset with another and began repeatedly hitting the other on the back until the 'victim' screamed out. My normal response would have been the "If you can't play nicely, you will play by yourself" or "Go and sit on your bed" or similar. Basically, expressing my own anger.
I did not handle the situation perfectly this time around either (I need practice!), but in attempting to calmly re-direct, rather than squash my child's anger, I got a much better response (and hopefully, won't be breaking up another hitting incident in 5 minutes time!).
- I took my "perpetrator" from the situation (after making sure the 'victim' was okay)
- I gave him/her a hug (identity protected!).
- I expressed that I could see that my child was angry.
- I asked what made him/her angry (this question will not always get a response - even adults find it hard to identify triggers to anger sometimes)
- I asked how my child expressed his/her anger (what did you do when you felt angry?)
- We discussed other things we could do when we are angry (e.g. using words, removing ourselves from the situation, stomping our feet, scrunching up our fists, calling out to mummy for a cuddle...)
- I then did keep the children separated for about 5 minutes so the situation could diffuse a little - but this was discussed as a 'helping' strategy rather than a punishment.
I will be interested to see how this strategy continues to work in future. It certainly felt much better and more productive than simply punishing an angry child, meeting his/her anger with my own, or squashing anger...
How do you deal with angry children?
