In praise of rest time

Ever since Miss 4 was born, we have had an absolutely non-negotiable time in our daily routine. Rest time. 

Of course, rest time started out as sleep time. Actually, it started out as multiple sleep times. I can't remember exact ages, but sometime around when Miss 4 was 18 months old, it progressed to a single sleep time - from about 12:30pm - 2:30pm each day. Then sometime around 2, the sleep time changed to no sleep time on some days. We got back in to consistent sleep times a few months later, only to lose sleep time almost completely around Miss 4's 3rd birthday. 

Having 2 younger children at home (who were still sleeping), I wasn't going to let sleep time go without a fight. Once I knew I could no longer force sleep upon my then-3-year-old, I changed sleep time to rest time. Miss 3 was sent to her bed (and then to our bed, to avoid disturbing Miss 19 months during the day) with a pile of books, instructions to read to herself quietly and on the understanding that mummy would also be resting and did not want to be disturbed unless it was an emergency. She got the idea pretty quickly.

This arrangement worked for us (with the two younger ones sleeping) for about a year. To be honest, I think Miss 4 needs her alone-time just as much as I do. She never protested this arrangement much. After 1.5 hours, I would go and get her from her room and we continued on with the day. Sometimes we had 30 minutes alone together before her younger siblings woke up.

Mr 3 is a different case. He started protesting against sleeps, and then quickly against rest time, a couple of months ago (when he was getting close to 3). He needs to go to the toilet. He needs a drink. He needs me to blow his nose. He yells out to his sisters. He gets out of bed and chooses noisy toys to play with. He sings at the top of his lungs. He sneaks out of his room to see what I am doing in the lounge room, then runs loudly down the hallway when I see him. In short, rest time has become very un-restful! 

Being pregnant, and now in the 3rd trimester (yay!), I need rest time to continue. It is either rest time, or very grumpy mummy all afternoon. I've tried a few alternatives for Mr 3. I offered that my 2 big kids watch a DVD. Result = tired, over-stimulated children fighting as soon as I spread out on the lounge and closed my eyes. I tried offering toys instead of books in bed (as long as Mr 3 stays in bed). Result = too much noise, and getting out of bed anyway. I tried sleeping in our bed with Mr 3. Result = I fell asleep and Mr 3 jumped all around the place until he eventually woke me up with a start.

I love rest time, and I really want rest time to continue. Mr 3 needs it as much as I do (I know this because there are still some days (once-twice a week) that he will fall asleep - but he needs the opportunity/ right environment for this to happen). I know that getting over this little blip will be worth it - especially when we have a new baby here...

Do you do rest time with older (non-sleeping) preschool children? How does it work for you? Any tips to get past this blip?

I'm linking up with Jess for IBOT

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The make-up thing

Are you a make-up wearer?

I am not a make-up wearer by inclination. Until I was in my 30s, I reserved make-up only for weddings, parties, job interviews and other special occasions. It would be very rare to see me in make-up on a weekday.

One day, I read something somewhere about women in their 30s. It talked about how our skin tone changes and our skin colour, lip colour, and eye colour dulls. Apparently, the effects are compounded by hormonal changes during pregnancy, breastfeeding and periods. It struck me that perhaps I had been inflicting my dull skin, lips and eyes, and my uneven skin tone on the world for too long!

I promptly forgot about the article for a while and continued on my make-up-less way. Then, a couple of months ago, before work, I looked at the black circles under my eyes and my dull skin tone, and decided I should probably make a bit more effort - for work anyway. I have now started wearing make-up - a small amount - for work and church only. (Oh, and I still wear it for special occasions and the rare night out with my husband).

I know I'm no expert when it comes to make-up application. I am very conscious of being too heavy-handed and so I probably under-do it more than anything. I put on some liquid foundation (conscious of the black circles under the eyes), eye shadow - almost always brown, a touch of mascara and a very pale/ natural-coloured lipstick. Conversations such as below however, do nothing to increase my motivation for doing the make-up thing:

Scene: The bathroom. Matt enters to find me applying mascara.

Matt: You don't usually put make-up on do you?

Me: Usually for work days and for church, for the last 6 weeks or so.

Matt: Oh, I hadn't noticed. Doesn't that take too long?

Me: Don't I look any different with make-up on?

Matt: Um... I suppose you probably look a bit different...

If I need any encouragement to take the time to apply make-up, I won't be receiving it from my husband! At least I can always count on my 4-year-old to tell me "you look so beautiful mummy" - after she sees me putting on make-up... 

Do you do the make-up thing? What do you use? What do you recommend?

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When the "ew" prompts you to clean

I used to be a very organised housekeeper. I had a timetable, with one big task for each day of the week (e.g. bathroom, vacuum, fridge, ironing) and a series of daily tasks (bed/s, dishwasher, wash and hang washing, folding, dinner prep). I even had a list for the irregular tasks (windows, blinds, lights, grimy fingerprints on walls) and sometimes I even wrote down the dates for when I had last completed those tasks. Just call me Martha (Stewart).

Lately I'm doing a lot of cleaning based on the "ew" factor. You probably know what I mean. You know that moment when you all of a sudden notice something filthy. It could be the inside of the fridge covered in crumbs and something sticky. It could be mould growing on the bottom of the shower. It could be dirty fingerprints all over a wall. Even worse, sometimes it could be all of the above. It sometimes seems that noticing one "ew" leads to noticing another, and another...

Where do these "ew"s come from? I'm sure I looked in the fridge yesterday and it was just fine. Now all of a sudden I am concerned for the health of my family. I'm sure the shower was pretty clean when I was in there this morning. Now, I'm brushing my teeth and looking at filth. I'm sure I could see out that window this morning. Now it is covered in... well, something.

While I'm working part-time, and pregnant, I can't see myself getting back to my former glory as an organised housekeeper. The kids and I do pretty well with the daily tasks. Everything else is a little bit "ew". But I am hoping to reduce the surprise "ew" factor... at least a little.

Do you rely on the "ew" factor as a prompt to clean? What tips do you have for staying on top of the less regular tasks and reducing the "ew" factor?

Linking up with Jess for IBOT

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Grumble, grumble, grumble

Being a mum is something I take pretty seriously. It is also something I really enjoy... most of the time.

But I checked in on Facebook on Saturday afternoon to notice two (childless) friends from church out at lunch together in the city. They had each posted a photo of the long, lazy lunch. They were enjoying a glass of wine, and some great-looking cuisine. But, most of all, they were not scoffing it down before the kids went nuts. They were not stopping to wipe noses and faces, to negotiate spills or argue about what had or hadn't been eaten. They were not subject to "I don't want this one", or "I don't like this bit". They were not desperately savouring the only uninterrupted adult conversation they had had all week. And, observing their lunch date from afar, I had a little pang of a time now left behind. For that moment, I forgot all the bad bits about the times when I was single and/or childless, and only remembered the good bit - namely, "freedom".

Coincidentally, our pastor spoke about this sort of attitude at church today. In Numbers ch. 11-12, the people God had rescued from Egypt were remembering and grumbling... 

The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna! ” Numbers 11:4-6

The people didn't remember any of the bad bits about the life God rescued them from (e.g. that they were slaves!), and only remembered what they missed from their previous life. They grumbled about what they were missing, and failed to be thankful for what they now had, and what had been promised for them in the future.

Pretty much like me... remembering and grumbling about missing the freedom of an unencumbered lunch and (momentarily) forgetting how blessed my life is, and how thankful I can be (and am). 

No, I would not trade my husband and kids for a long, lazy lunch - even every Saturday! I know life is actually hard for the 2 friends I saw on Facebook. One friend is single (not by choice) in her late 30s. The other has been struggling with infertility for several years. Their lives have seen heartache and struggles. It is not all long, lazy Saturday lunches. 

Once again, God reminded me of the importance of thankfulness.

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Happy Birthday Mr. 3

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Shapes, Colours, Letters, Numbers... meh.

There is something that bothers me about education for preschoolers. I know I have previously mentioned my dislike for DVDs and computer games for educating preschoolers. There is something else I don't like much... educational toys. 

I have no problem with learning. I have no problem with a preschooler learning. In fact, try and stop a preschooler from learning. Not possible. My gripe is more with what we aim to teach preschoolers when we get all "educational" about it - specifically shapes, colours, letters and numbers. Name me one educational toy that has nothing to do with shapes, colours, letters or numbers... no, I didn't think so.

Why do we focus so much on shapes, colours, letters and numbers? Probably because:

1. It is quantifiable/ measurable (you can count them... how many colours does he know? how many letters?)

2. It is easy. We feel like we are teaching something when we teach colours/ shapes/ letters/ numbers

3. We have been programmed to believe that knowledge of shapes, colours, letters and numbers is an indicator of intelligence/ learning potential

But there are three big reasons that we shouldn't spend so much energy (and time and money) on teaching shapes, colours, letters and numbers...

1. They aren't particularly meaningful

2. A preschooler's knowledge of shapes/ colours/ letters/ numbers in isolation has no correlation with later learning ability and progress

3. A preschooler who is being exposed to a wide range of natural play activities, books and various interactions with caregivers will learn shapes, colours (and later, letters and numbers) without specific teaching, as well as learning a whole lot of other more meaningful skills, and skills that are more predictive of later learning.

Don't get me wrong. We don't need to throw out all our number/ shape/ colour/ alphabet books. (In fact, we have a couple of excellent books that explore these concepts. I must share them with you sometime.) I'm not saying we should never mention shapes again. I'm not saying I never ask "what colour is it?".

I am saying, let's broaden our definition of what an 'educated' preschooler looks like. According to the research (and I'm sorry, I don't have the specific studies for you now, but I can locate them if you are interested), the preschool skills that correlate with later literacy and educational success are:

1.   Oral language ability. Not the ability to list and label colours, shapes, numbers and letters, but the ability to talk, express ideas, use complex sentences, retell events and ask questions. These skills are learnt through interaction and play with caregivers and peers.

2. Phonological Awareness. This includes understanding and recognition of rhyme (and exposure to nursery rhymes and poems), ability to hear sounds in words (not recognise letters visually), and ability to recognise features of words (e.g. a long word vs a short word). These skills are also learnt through listening and interaction with caregivers and peers, particularly with books.

3. Exposure to books and print. Again, through shared reading with caregivers.

Notice a trend? Spending time interacting, talking, reading and playing with our kids in natural contexts is WAY more important than teaching shapes, colours, letters and numbers, and INCOMPARABLE with plonking our children down with an electronic "educational" toy that tells them about shapes, colours, letters and numbers.

Do you fall into teaching shapes, colours, letters and numbers? Do you think they are useful?

 Linking up with Jess for IBOT

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Ingredients for a great holiday with small kids

Simple is definitely best when it comes to holidaying with small children. You won't find us taking our under 5s on a fancy sight-seeing tour (even if we could afford it!) Our key holiday ingredients (at this stage of family life) are:

1) Somewhere to play

 

2) Somewhere to splash

 

 3) Somewhere to dig

4) Somewhere to get dirty

5) Somewhere pretty

6) Somewhere with friends (photo taken by Miss 4)

7) Somewhere to walk (also taken by Miss 4)

8) Somewhere for mummy and daddy to get a nice cup of coffee or tea before/during/ after all the playing, digging, splashing, getting dirty, prettiness, friends and walking. 

9) Somewhere not too far from home. This holiday spot is about 2.5 - 3 hours drive from us. Okay if we time the drive to coincide with sleeps/ rests. A bit too far otherwise!

What are your key ingredients for a great holiday?

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Food for a sick family

If you are a friend over on the Facebook page, you will know that I am recovering from an intense bout of the 'flu. It has been a hard 10 days or so. I've had plenty of colds, and allergy-related flare-ups, but nothing like this for a long time. Matt says I was the sickest he has seen me (in 9 years of marriage). 

The first couple of days, I was literally dragging myself around the place. If I didn't have kids to attend to, I would have been prostrate on the lounge for at least 3 days straight. The aches, the 24/7 sinus headache, the coughing, the sneezing, the sweats, the fitful sleeps... the continual testing of my pelvic floor muscles... I will never underestimate when someone says they have the 'flu again. It is terrible.

Although I don't think any of the kids were quite as bad as me, Miss 4 was pretty sedate for a couple of days - playing for a little while, then quietly heading in to lie on the lounge. Not like her at all. A few days later, Mr. 2 was coughing so hard he was vomiting... gah. Neither Mr 2 nor Miss 1 slept well overnight (though Miss 4 slept WAY more than usual, so that was a bonus!). Not being a generally sickly family (although we ALWAYS have runny noses), after a week or so came the fear that we might continue on the cycle of sickness all winter, or even, all year.

What a blessing it is to feel (almost) healthy again. I always forget how wonderful good health feels until I don't have it.

While we were sick, we were blessed with some kind gestures from our church family. 2 ladies brought meals around for us (funny that they were both exactly the same dish... chicken casserole with rice and vegetables). Another lady bought us three bags of groceries, saying she 'didn't have time to cook'. I was overwhelmed. She bought us enough for almost 5 easy dinners (and some snacks too!). So kind. It meant I didn't have to drag myself to the shops, I didn't have any labour-intensive dinner preparation, and we were still well fed. Though the food wasn't what I would normally buy (lots of frozen, pre-prepared stuff) due to both cost and taste, it was perfect for a sick family. I will be sure to remember this gesture for other people in future (though perhaps our budget would allow one or two such meals, not 5).

In case you are looking for some ideas to serve a sick/ grieving family/ family with a new baby etc, and you are low on time, here is what she bought/ we ate:

Day 1: Ready-made lasagne with microwave-steam vegetables

Day 2: Frozen chicken nuggets (for kids), chicken kiev (for Matt and I), frozen chips and microwave steamed vegetables (ours was not as well-presented as this!)

Day 3: Pre-made chicken and sweetcorn soup (heat and serve) with bread rolls

Day 4: Latina pasta ravioli and sauce (heat and serve) with microwave steamed vegetables

Day 5: A combination of the above that we hadn't cooked - pasta, nuggets, potato wedges, vegetables

Have you ever bought groceries/ something else in lieu of a meal? What are your best tips for looking after those who are sick or in need in your immediate circle?

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Go for her heart, not her head

It is not really a secret that I am a pretty cerebral-type person... a head-thinker, not a heart-thinker.

My husband and I are a bit of an unusual couple in that way. I wouldn't say he is particularly heart-led either, but more so than me. The stereotype tells me it should be the other way around, with a wife being more emotional, and a husband more cerebral.

Being cerebral, I am also a head-problem-solver. Whenever I have a problem, my first port-of-call is to have a good old think about it. And that is how I initially respond to every parenting 'blip' that comes up on my radar. For example...

This is what went down on Sunday:

After enforcing some boundary or another with Miss 4...
Miss 4: Well... I'm not going to let you be my grandma.
Me: What... what grandma?
Miss 4: I mean, when I have my own babies. You can't be my grandma. I'll find another grandma.
Me (confused): Okay, just sit down, we're having dinner.

Later (when Miss 4 was in bed):

Me to Matt: Did you hear what [Miss 4] said to me before dinner? Where does she get this stuff from? Wow.
Matt: Mmm 
Me: I still need to get better at giving her the reasons behind my instructions, rather than reverting to the 'do as I say' approach. She doesn't respond to that at all. Do you think I'm too harsh with her?
Matt: You know, I think you just need to stop over-thinking it. Stop aiming for her head. Stop aiming to rationalise with her all the time. Aim for her heart instead.
Me: What am I missing?
Matt: I mean, just enjoy her. How often do you give her a cuddle 'just because' - not when it is bedtime or not because she is hurt or angry or something...etc...?

The conversation continued.

Maybe this sounds like a difficult thing for me to hear. But this was not at all offensive coming from my husband. And, I know he is right. Sometimes I need to stop analysing and stewing and over-thinking and worrying... and just love. Go for her heart, not her head.

Are you a head-thinker? Do you ever get caught up in 'thinking' and forget about 'feeling'? Are you getting to your kids' hearts?

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God's marriage ideal

This is a post I really didn't want to write, much less publish.

I didn't want to write it because I'm on the unpopular side of the debate. In fact, if you believe the media and the celebrity push, there is no-one else (at least no-one else who matters) who would agree with me. I didn't want to write it because I love my friends, and don't want to lose any of them over having and expressing a controversial opinion. And, originally, I didn't want to write it because I thought it didn't really matter all that much.

The media and general public try to quieten or belittle those with my opinion. My opinion is undermined as intolerance. My opinion is accused of being antiquated. It is denying people their "basic human rights". Those accusations hurt. But, I also believe that I (and others who think the same way as me) have the right to add my voice to the debate:

I do not believe in marriage equality.

This belief has little to do with homosexuality. It is not an argument against homosexuality. It is not an argument against long-term or life-long homosexual relationships as such. Rather, it is an argument about what marriage is. And, it all comes back to the Bible, or what God says.

The Bible actually has nothing to say about gay marriage or "marriage equality". (It does talk about homosexuality). But it has a lot to say about marriage. This is the first thing it says;

A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh (Genesis 2: 24)

The Biblical definition of marriage implies 3 key things: exclusivity (between a man and woman - away from father and mother and others), unity (implication that it is life-long), and sexual monogamy. Later on, God also tells the man and woman to procreate.

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In our society, many (heterosexual) marriages have moved far from God's ideal. Society has lost the "life-long unity" aspect of marriage (is it 1 in 3 marriages in divorce now?, not to mention the other un-united couples that don't divorce). We have lost the relational exclusivity. (How often do partners have outside interests that take priority over their marriage, or interfering families and friends?). We have lost monogamy - even if for many, it is just in the mind (think of the rise in pornography, internet dating sites for married people etc, etc). Many marriages don't involve children (whether by choice or sad circumstance), and some that do involve children provide a less-than-ideal environment for raising those children.

When I considered how far societal marriage has moved from God's ideal, I wondered if what society calls marriage is worth fighting for? The shattered shell of marriage, as we know it didn't seem to matter. The 'marriage' that society upholds is a long way from the God-given and defined marriage of the Bible.

But last night my husband and I watched this webcast on "Defining Marriage". (It is very long, but I think, well worth watching). A couple of important points got me thinking that maybe marriage as it sits in society today, is still worth fighting for. And, another article also got me angry. Angry that other groups should be allowed to express their views  while telling a group of Christians (who were quietly having their own meeting, not actually preaching to anyone) to "SHUT THE F*#! UP!" Yes, that is a direct quote from the article.

In an ideal world, Christians (the ones who see the Biblical view of marriage the way I do), wouldn't be arguing against gay marriage. In an ideal world, we would be arguing the more fundamental issues of marriage exclusivity, unity, monogamy. We would be arguing for true Biblical marriage. But, sadly, society has already come too far to go back to any semblance of Biblical ideal. Laws that were passed a long time ago (e.g. no-fault divorce), marriage 'fairy tales' about living happily ever after with no work required, our own selfish hearts and expectations to be 'fulfilled' etc etc have already taken away from marriage. 

Gay marriage is not the first legislative challenge against traditional marriage, and it (if passed), will not be the last either. And, that is a big concern. Not so much gay marriage itself, but that it is just one more step along the line leading away from God's picture of marriage. What comes next on the line? Legislating polygamy? Legislating in favour of close family members being married? After all, that is marriage equality. Can you allow gay marriage, arguing that to deny it would be a denial of basic human rights, and yet deny those same basic human rights to a brother and sister who wish to marry? We all make a moral judgement call at some point, whether we like to admit it or not. We cannot logically move away from God's definition of marriage and morality without drawing our own moral lines in the sand.

I want for my children, and for every child, to have the opportunity to witness marriage according to God's ideal. I want to be allowed to tell my children "this is what God wants from marriage" without being told to "SHUT THE F*** UP". And, I fear that the further we move on the line away from God's picture of marriage, the harder that ideal will be to find. 

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