Type 'A' mum meets type 'B' child

You don't have to know me too well, or probe too far into this blog, to realise that, when it comes to the type A/ type B personality dichotomy, I am much more 'A' than 'B'. 

According to Wikipedia, a type A personality is: 

* ambitious

* rigidly organised

* status conscious

* can be sensitive

* care for other people

* truthful

* impatient

* always try to help others

* take on more than they can handle

* want other people to get to the point

* proactive

* obsessed with time management

I'm not all of these things, but a lot of them do describe me quite well.

I am also a proud mummy to this 4-year-old:

 

While it is probably a little too early to categorise her as a type A or type B, she does demonstrate a number of type B traits. Wikipedia describes these as:

* apathetic
* patient
* relaxed
* easy-going
* no sense of time schedule
* having poor organization skills
* lacking an overriding sense of urgency

Again, these don't all describe Miss 4, but many do. And, I don't know how much of this is just a function of being 4 years old, or how many of these traits are here to stay.

There is much joy and amazement in observing my creative, not-particularly-organised, non-rule-following type B. There is also much frustration, as the type A parts of me, and the type B parts of Miss 4 sometimes clash.

She would much rather draw, than colour. Don't try to recommend subject matter for her to draw...

If lines/ words/ instructions are offered, they will likely be disregarded...

The more bling, the better!

Why not decorate the inside of the box too?

When it comes to music, she makes as much noise as possible... whether the song demands it or not...

Lego, puzzles and other construction-type toys are a recipe for conflict - type A mummy wants to follow the instructions while type B 4-year-old creates freely. (This photo, looking at the instruction booklet did not last long!)

And, let's not talk about getting dressed and ready in the morning, making deadlines, sticking to a (time) schedule or me trying to achieve multiple tasks quickly with Miss 4 in tow. On the other hand, Miss 4 teaches me about just enjoying the moments, observing the little things around me, taking in details and slowing down a little.

Are you a type A or type B? Do you clash with any of your kids?

4 children under 5

Yesterday, I had a slight panic attack.

It suddenly occurred to me (a bit late, some might say), that come October, I will have 4 children under the age of 5. Having an attack of the jitters does not undermine my excitement. I think it is inevitable though, thinking through all the logistics, remembering the sleeplessness, imagining negotiating more parent/ child and sibling/sibling relationships...

I did what any sensible person in 2012 does - I started googling: "4 children in 5 years", "4 children under 5", "parenting 4 preschoolers" etc. It didn't help all that much, although I did learn that some people follow this philosophy of family-spacing on purpose. It even has a fancy name: baby-bunching. That is kind of cool.

It was God, rather than us who planned our family this way (both #2 and #3 were lovely surprises!). I would never have planned this, and would never have thought I could do it. (And, to be honest, some days I don't do it all that well - particularly in the area of patience!) But, I do think there are some definite advantages to this "baby-bunching":

* All our kids are at similar stages - This has become clearer to me from observing a lady at church with 5 children - her eldest is 17, and her youngest is 3. She does an amazing job, but she has to have her head in so many places - with one son transitioning to the workforce at the end of the year, a girl in year 10, one just started high-school, another in year 3 and a preschooler!

* We can all play together - our kids are happy to play with the same toys. They will often play with them slightly differently, but similar resources can be adapted.

* We can read the same books together, and they can be adapted for Miss 17 months, or Miss 4 (I just ask Miss 4 some harder questions).

* We can do prayer and Bible time together. My friend with the 5 kids above reflected that her husband often spends over an hour having prayer time and saying goodnight to her kids... would be hard to bunch a 17 year old and a 3 year old together for that purpose!

* Our kids all go to one daycare centre (in separate rooms) = one drop-off and one pick-up. Next year, the eldest 2 will go to one preschool (in separate rooms).

* They learn new skills from each other... I particularly notice this with Miss 17 months. She loves to copy her big brother and sister (apart from in verbal development, sadly!)

* They eat together, have rest time together, go to bed at the same time... they all follow the same routine.

* I am not running here, there and everywhere to school and after-school activities with toddlers and newborns in tow.

* They play together well. (They also fight together well, but let's focus on the positives here!)

Yes, there are lots of hard things about having 3 (and 4) children close in age, mostly related to the fact that there is not quite enough mummy (and daddy) to go around. And, yes, from time to time, I do have a slight panic! But, there are advantages and disadvantages to any family 'plan' (number and spacing of children). It helps me in those panic-y times to remember the positives of our situation and to rely on the God who carries me through everything.

What does your family look like? What do you see as the advantages and disadvantages?



Linking up with Jess for IBOT

Letting our kids say 'no'?

A couple of days ago, my father-in-law was listening to an ABC radio program. The discussion point of the program was "busyness". If you spend much time listening to, watching or reading mainstream media you will stumble on this discussion again and again. It is common consensus that this generation of adults feel busier and more stressed than any generation before.

 

This particular radio program trotted out the common advice to help us decrease our feelings of stress (e.g. soaking in a bath, concentrating on breathing, going to bed, slowing down, delegating non-priority tasks, learning to say 'no', letting go of the guilt at not achieving it all...)

 

The point of most interest to both my father-in-law and I was a suggestion made about the problem we all have in saying "no". It was suggested that many of us have difficulty saying "no" as adults because of the reaction we got to saying it as children. I know I've done this with my own kids "You don't say 'no' to mummy..." I don't give too much credence to this theory. I think most adults realise that our relationship with other adults is different to the relationship a child has with his/her parents.

But the concept did get me thinking about whether/ how we allow our children to express their dissent...

We do not allow our (older) kids to say 'no' to us. (Miss 16 months says it all the time!). We do not allow them to say 'no', because usually the word 'no' is expressed rudely and disrespectfully from child to parent. But we do allow our bigger kids (mostly Miss almost-4 at the moment) to express dissent. 

An example: 

We would not tolerate: Us: "You can wear this dress to the party this afternoon." Miss almost-4: "No, I'm not wearing that"

We would tolerate: Us: "You can wear this dress to the party this afternoon." Miss almost-4: "Can I wear this dress instead?" (followed by some negotiation)

A year or so ago, I had a different attitude to allowing dissent or negotiation. I followed the philosophy that what mummy (or daddy) says goes. Children are supposed to obey. I did not offer choices and I stuck to my guns. If I said a particular dress would be worn, it would be worn, even if it had to be worn with tears.

What I didn't account for was having a strong-willed then-almost-3 year old. What I didn't realise was that by not allowing dissent or negotiation on the little things, I was turning every interaction into a fight. I didn't consider that my child might not obey me the first time, every time. I didn't realise that I had very few strategies for coping when I wasn't obeyed. I didn't notice at first that in my determination to 'win', I was showing no grace in my parenting. I didn't consider that maybe my child would have an opinion, her own ideas and the determination to not budge! 

But more importantly, I didn't consider that maybe parental authority is not the same as parental dictatorship. I didn't realise that I could allow Miss then-almost-3 to have an opinion, to show her dissent, while maintaining my authority. I could offer her some age-appropriate choices, to help her feel some sense of autonomy. I could encourage her to show kindness and consideration for the feelings of others (including mine!), rather than just teaching her to 'do what I say'. I could treat her with grace, and kindness and respect, rather than with a bunch of rules.

I can let my kids say 'no'. But, I can teach them to say 'no' kindly and respectfully. I can teach them when 'no' is appropriate, and when it is not appropriate (some instructions do just need to be obeyed). I don't know if this will help them become adults who can say 'no' more easily, but I do know that this is turning the 'no's into opportunities for teaching, rather than opportunities for punishment.

Do you let your kids say "no"?

Being the mum you are... and not the mum you're not

Yesterday afternoon, we got to hang out with our good friends, Bec and Rod. As they and their family have moved away from Sydney now, this is a rare treat. We see them a couple of times a year (including our new tradition of doing a winter holiday together).

Bec is a mummy to 3 boys, the youngest being only 8 weeks old (and gorgeous and tiny!). She is also, in many ways, my opposite. This is probably what makes her such a good friend. She is warm, and open and generous and funny. She is much more about people than she is about timetables and organisation. She is a little bit messy, and a bit disorganised, and pretty much goes with the flow. The last thing she would do is timetable her days, or menu plan long-term, or spend Friday night re-organising a cupboard. On the other hand, she would be happy to cuddle a sick baby all day, or spend a whole day socialising out and about (with her flexible boys who will sleep anywhere). She is absolutely amazing at prioritising date time with her husband, and spending daily time with God. (All things I struggle with).

But, isn't it amazing how down-on-ourselves we mums can get? When I watch Bec as a mum, I think to myself "why can't I be more laid-back?" or "why don't I have that much energy for being around people socially?". When I see some of my other mum friends, I think "why can't I lose baby weight more easily, or be more committed to exercise?" And, when I see others, I think "why can't I knit or sew (well) or create gorgeous things for my babies?"

When Bec saw our toy shelf, she did the down-on-herself thing. "Oh, I really need to get more organised with the kids' toys. I need to categorise, so they only get a couple of things out at once. That must be good for helping them learn. Isn't that good to have the books out of reach, so they don't get wrecked? etc etc".

Don't get me wrong. I love our toy system. It works perfectly for us. It is so much better than our old system. And, in my mind, IKEA = good! I'm flattered when people want to copy our system. I'm happy if it is inspirational and helpful to others (that is why I blogged it!). But, as Bec surveyed the system, she seemed burdened, rather than excited at the prospect of re-jigging her own toy system. Where I see possibilities, she sees boring work. Where I see enjoyment, she sees duty. 

And, really... I don't think a toy organisation system should be a burden! If you are like me, and you prefer to store and play systematically... do it. Be the mum (and housewife) that you are. If you are happy to have lots of toys out and can play by moving from toy to toy... do it. Enjoy being the mum you are. If (like me) you can only socialise for half a day, before needing some down-time... make it happen. And if you love being out and about all day... enjoy it. If you are a mum who needs to operate in a timetable, make one. If you are a mum who is more laid-back, don't make a timetable. If you relax by getting crafty... do it. If teaching yourself to knit is just hard and frustrating, you don't need to do it!

Will your kids care if your toys aren't organised or if you never play with them? Will they even notice if you can knit them beautiful clothes or would they prefer a mummy who was relaxed enough to enjoy being around them? Will they adapt if you enjoy being out and about all day? Will they equally get used to having a scheduled rest time in the day, if that is what mummy needs to be refreshed for the afternoon? 

My advice to Bec was; "Don't feel like you need to organise your toys like this. If it will help you, do it ($399 from IKEA!). If creating and keeping the system going will just be tiresome, forget about it." And, I could equally give myself the same advice about trying to be (or do) something that isn't me, trying to emulate the amazing and energetic mother of 5 at church, or the glamorous mother of 2 from the workplace... Of course, there is nothing wrong with trying to improve, or being the best you can be. And, sometimes, the effort is worth it. But, sometimes, it really isn't!

I don't try to be happy... but I am!

Happiness, and particularly happiness in motherhood, seems to be a recurring theme in my life at the moment. In the last month or so, I have had several conversations and read countless articles and blog posts about happiness or contentment. There sure are a lot of unhappy mums out there.

So, how do you feel about motherhood?

Do you feel guilty? Overwhelmed? Unbalanced? Bored? Cranky? Out-of-step with your husband? Out-of-control?

There have been times when I have felt all of the above (thankfully not all at once!). I have friends who have felt/ do feel like this too. When they are short-term, these feeling are completely normal. I would say, inevitable at some time in your motherhood journey. Combine hormones, the demands of children (24/7), our own expectations (dare we say, perfectionism?!), the 'rules' of raising children (not too much TV time, fine motor time, gross motor time, language time, reading time, one-to-one time), our marriages, and our need for "me-time", and you have a recipe for a frazzled mummy.

But, what if you feel like this all the time? If those feelings are all too familiar? What if thinking about motherhood just makes you want to curl into a ball and cry? What if the thought of another day brings no anticipation of joy? I know there are some mums in this position.

I don't know much about happiness. Usually I don't think much about happiness. But I am happy (most of the time). I'm not happy in an "always have a smile on my face", shouting for joy, praise the Lord kind of way. That is not my personality. I am content. I never thought of myself as an especially happy person (probably because I am not the 'shout for joy' type). But lately as I have observed how much other mums struggle with happiness and contentment, I realise just how much God has blessed me with contentment in my role as a mum.

I don't want to sound like I have it all together... because I don't. When I talk about contentment, I mean right here, in these circumstances of life, in the everyday little hassles and trials of motherhood. I wish I could claim (like Paul in the Bible) that I knew the secret of contentment in any and every circumstance (well-fed or hungry, in plenty or in want...), but the fact is, I have never been tested in those ways. I don't know how I would respond to hunger, or serious pain, or life-threatening illness, or the death of a child, or a lonely marriage. I am not there.

All I know is a few things that help me feel content/ happy, through the sometimes monotonous, often frustrating, frequently tiring life of a mother... Some things that help me:

• Leaning on God - a knowledge that when I am out of control, he is in control. A confidence in my eternity. A trust that all things are working for God's glory... even when I don't understand them
• Working on our marriage - knowing that Matt "has my back" and is on my side
• Having time-out - doing something I enjoy (usually reading or blogging). We've developed a daily routine that ensures that this happens - in the middle of the day 'rest time' and at night.
• Drinking water - sounds silly, but I know when I haven't had enough (think headach-y and cranky)
• Getting out socially - play dates, play-group, Bible study. Being around other mums in the 'real world' is encouraging and recharges me.
• Having a (loose) routine for the day and a (short) daily task list - helps me prioritise the important, and feel like I'm achieving something, even on the down days
• Being willing to let go of perfection - I'll tell you a secret... some weeks I don't clean the bathroom (maybe just a quick wipe-down). Some weeks I don't wash the sheets. Some days I don't cook dinner (leftovers are a great resource!). When I'm on morning tea roster for play-group or Bible study, sometimes I just buy something. I don't "do it all" everyday or every week. Trying to make myself would just make me overwhelmed and defeated. Some days I prioritise just playing with our kids. Some days I prioritise getting jobs done, but never all of it everyday.
• Being (realistically) optimistic - I don't have my head in the clouds, but I do generally have a hope/ expectation, that things will work out well. I try to think about what I have achieved, rather than what I haven't achieved, or the positives of a situation, rather than the negatives. Focusing on blessings has a big impact on contentment.
• Not focusing on happiness - a couple of years ago, someone I know (not a Christian) went to a conference on happiness. 3 whole days dedicated to trying to be happy. This person has spent a lot of time and money looking for happiness - and most of the things have been focused on herself - dredging up her past, learning to be assertive, meditating, etc etc. Guess what? She is still not all that happy. And, even the happiness conference (ironically) concluded that those who are the happiest do not focus on their own happiness, but on serving others... kind of what the Bible has been saying all along!

Are you struggling with contentment? What things help you feel happy?


Disclaimer: Sometimes unhappiness is more than just unhappiness. Depression is very real and very common. Post-natal depression can still be an issue up to a couple of years after having a baby. If you think you are more than "unhappy", please see a doctor.  

One of those days...

Today is one of those days. 

Mr 2 was up for hours last night. Coughing like I've never heard anyone cough before. Not chesty. Just relentless. Despite his obviously sore throat, I cannot convince Mr 2 that perhaps it would be better not to run up and down the hallway singing nursery rhymes at the top of his lungs. Or perhaps all that high-pitched whining is making his throat feel worse...

Miss 3 is playing on her brothers' weakness. She is trying to convince me that she is sick too, but really, she is enjoying taking advantage of her tired brother. In this state, he will mostly let her lead their play, with no arguments.

Miss 15 months is at that awkward age. She wants to join in with her big brother and sister. They will tolerate her involvement, until she becomes overwhelmed and starts knocking everything over, or throwing pieces around, or... If she is not playing with her older brother and sister, Miss 15 months is under my feet, cuddling my legs and demanding "bup" (up). It is not that easy to hold a 15 month old while you are peeling potatoes/ hanging washing/ folding washing/ cleaning the toilet...

This morning I did 3 loads of washing. Unfortunately Mr 2 coughed so much last night that he was sick over 2 lots of bed linen. It wasn't much. Just enough to mean that I would have to wash the 2 sets. I hung all the washing outside. After a couple of hours the rain started. I raced to move everything undercover. This involved un-pegging and re-pegging everything - a good 30 minutes worth of work. Then the rain stopped.

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It is hard to believe it on a day like today, but someday I will miss having 4 loads of washing to do. 2 people (or even perhaps one day, 1 person) don't create that much washing. One day I will miss the cuddles that come with having a sick 2 year old boy. (I'm sure I won't miss the whining). One day I will miss the fact that I was forced to play a lot with my kids... to help maintain the peace. I will miss the little person cuddling my legs, and the talkative, bossiness of a 3-year-old girl. I will miss the laughter and the footsteps running up and down the hallway, and the constant singing. 

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Yes, even on those days, I am a blessed mummy. And I'm reminding myself to enjoy every minute.

Me time for mummy

There has been yet another 'study' released to confirm what we all know... mums don't get much time to themselves. According to the current survey, it is less than 40 minutes daily.

On Facebook, the article seemed to provoke much comparison and much self-pity. e.g. "Who are these women having 40 minutes? I'm lucky to go to the toilet alone..."

I admit, I did have a bit of a laugh about it all. I enjoyed one of the comments along the lines of "Excuse me, there seem to be a lot of mums on Facebook... is this not 'me-time'?" While reading the comments, I couldn't help but think of this comedy sketch...

Although I'm making a bit of a joke about it, the reality is not really funny. There are obviously many, many mums out there who are tired, depleted and running on empty.

For some mums, it is true. They simply do not have enough time to spend on themselves, to refresh and recharge. But for many of us (me included), it is not really about time at all. It is about the choices we make.

The quantity of down-time we have is not necessarily the problem. More important than quantity of down-time is how refreshing the time is for us.

The amount of down-time mums need is highly variable. One woman may be refreshed by having a 10 minute phone call with a friend. Another woman may need a whole day away to reflect and pray (or to have a spa treatment!) One woman is happy to have a 5 minute toilet trip without an audience of little people. Another woman would prefer to have every toilet trip without an audience. A mother may be away from kids for a whole day, and still not be refreshed. Another mother may miss her children, and become stressed or anxious rather than refreshed, after a few minutes away from them. Another mother may may actually be more refreshed by quality time with her kids.

Some activities are more refreshing than others. Here are some comparisons for me:

• Getting outdoors is more refreshing than staying inside.
• Reading the Bible and/or a devotion is more refreshing than spending the equivalent time on Facebook. 
• Picking up toys, then sitting in a clean lounge room is more refreshing than sitting in the midst of chaos. 
• Cuddling my kids is more refreshing than yelling at them. 
• Having a nap is more refreshing for me than wasting time surfing the internet.
• Getting up, showered, dressed and organised before Matt leaves for work, is more refreshing for me than trying to cram in that "me" time when there is no other adult supervision in the house.

Knowing what activities, and in what quantity is most refreshing for you, is something for each mother to recognise for herself. But, although I know which activities will refresh me most, I often make bad choices.  I choose to muck around on Facebook instead of read my Bible. I choose to sit on the couch instead of go outdoors. I choose to yell at my kids instead of hug them. I choose to take the less refreshing option... to my own detriment! The time factor is no different, but the refreshment difference is huge.

What is your story? Do you get the down-time you need? Or are you, like me, frittering your time on activities that don't refresh you?

10 applications of Murphy's Law in parenting

According to Wikipedia, Murphy's law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong". It all sounds a little bit pessimistic to me, but I must admit, there are many moments in parenting when Murphy's law seems to apply.

Here are a few examples:

1. The amount of time involved in setting up and cleaning up an activity is inversely proportional to the time your children will spend engaged in that activity.

2. Ditto with meals. The amount of preparation and clean-up time involved in a meal is inversely proportional to the amount that will be eaten.

3. Your children may be playing cooperatively, calmly and kindly, but, as soon as you pick up the telephone, chaos will descend.

4. If you try to settle yourself in for a longer toilet visit (perhaps even with a book!), your not-long-toilet-trained child/ren will suddenly be "busting".

5. During afternoon rest time, if you dare allow your eyelids to rest, your children will urgently require your attention.

6. Weet-bix will stick like mortar to any and all surfaces. Your children will spread this substance, more than any other, on every available surface. You will always miss at least one bit of the sticky substance when wiping the table/ high-chair. An intricate and long-winded removal process will be required days later.

7. Your children, with above-mentioned weetbix in hand, will suddenly need to rub their hands all over their face, hair and clothing.

8. When you have cleaned and dressed your child/ren for church, a birthday party or other special occasion, they will suddenly have the urge to (a) play in the sandpit, (b) eat a chocolate biscuit, or particularly juicy strawberries or (c) find the paint/ textas or gluesticks.

9. When you are desperate to be on time for any occasion, there will always be a last minute (a) nappy change, (b) incident involving any other bodily fluid, (c) a missing item of special importance (dummy, teddy, drink bottle). You will only realise the significant item is missing when you are over halfway to your destination. 

10. When compiling the outfit for your child to wear to above special occasion, one key component of the outfit will be found in either (a) the bottom of the dirty clothes basket or (b) hanging wet on the clothesline. This will be discovered 5 minutes before you need to leave.

How do you see the Law of Murphy at work in your parenting?

The myth of parental control

I've got a secret to share with you all... I can't control my kids.

And I've got news for you... you can't control your kids either.

Maybe you have known this ever since you began your parenting journey. I am a slow learner.

I know I'm not the only one who was fooled into thinking I could be/ should be in control. The idea of parental control is evident in the whispers of other parents, or non-parents; "She can't control her kids". It is there in the judgements we make pre-children; "My kids will never...". It is there when the parents of now-grown children recall their parenting days; "When we were kids, we would never even think of..." or "Our children knew they would never get away with...". It was there a few months ago, when after a particularly bad display at one of our family Christmas gatherings, my aunt threatened my Miss 3; "If you don't stop those tantrums, you will get a good hiding". (Fortunately, I don't think Miss 3 understood what a 'hiding' was, and she was too tired to ask me about it).

I have read a lot about parenting. I have learned some great strategies. I have continued to pray for wisdom and guidance in my parenting. But, no matter how many strategies I learn, no matter how consistent I am in their implementation, and no matter how much I pray, I cannot really control my kids. Sure, I can give the appearance of being in control. Most of the time, I can make my kids do what I want them to do. But I cannot always control what they do. And, though I can influence them, I cannot control their hearts and their attitudes. And, I don't want to.

I don't want to control my kids because I want to them to learn self-control. 

There is a problem though. Self-control is not learned overnight. This is a long process. I am 32 years old (almost 33) and I still struggle with self-control. I can hardly be surprised when my 1, 2 and 3 year olds struggle with it too. 

In learning self-control, my kids make mistakes. They may hurt or say unkind things to each other. They may have tantrums. They may even have tantrums in public. I may look like I'm not in control... because I'm not. But I'm slowly learning that it is okay.

What do you think about parental control? Are the kids of today 'out of control'?

Sometimes it just doesn't fit

My big kids are quite smitten with puzzles at the moment. This has been a particularly good thing over the past few rainy days. [Miss 3 received a Disney Princess puzzle for Christmas. She is quite taken with the Disney Princesses (much to my dismay), and, in the absence of any other Princess merchandise, she has decided to do the Princess puzzle on at least a twice-daily basis. This usually then leads on to doing all the other puzzles we own. I'm not complaining].

Anyway, while we were playing with puzzles today, a profound thought occurred to me...

Sometimes, Mr 2 in particular, is absolutely determined to find a place for a particular puzzle piece  he has in his hand.  This determination can occur even if the surrounding pieces are nowhere to be seen. Mr 2 will place the piece he is holding alongside every other piece available, and become quickly frustrated when the piece just doesn't fit anywhere. In this situation, I find myself advising my Mr 2; "That piece is too frustrating. It doesn't fit yet. Let's find another piece that does fit". 

I am pretty good at dishing out this advice when it comes to puzzles, but sometimes, I'm not quite so good at accepting this advice in other areas of my life. 

Confused yet?

As you probably know, I love reading and getting tips on parenting, organising time, organising around the house, etc etc. I often see ideas that I think are great.  If I really like the idea, I try to implement it in my own situation. 

But sometimes, it becomes apparent, for whatever reason, that the idea will not work for our family. Sometimes, my husband doesn't really like the idea (usually this is related to something silly like the way I want to organise a cupboard). Sometimes, the strategy doesn't really fit with our overall goals or direction (maybe a parenting idea). Sometimes, our kids don't respond to it. Sometimes, it just turns out that we don't really like it.

And stupidly, sometimes I hold doggedly onto an idea, frustrating myself and everyone else, just because it looked so good on someone else's blog, or Facebook page, or because someone wrote so convincingly about it in a book. I persevere, thinking that maybe we just need more time to "get used to it" or to "make it work". Or thinking, maybe we just need to be more consistent.

Maybe sometimes I need to tell myself "That piece (idea) is too frustrating. It doesn't fit (for us). Let's find one that does fit".

Do you fall into this trap? Do you find it hard to let go when something isn't working?

Carpe Diem

The day will come when she won't want daddy to stand there... just in case.

There will be a day when daddy will not be the funniest man in the world.

One day she won't have to hold on anymore.

There will be a day when dressing up and painting won't make for "a favourite day"

The day will come when he won't beg me to "old my and" (hold my hand) or "dawwy me" (carry me)

And when playing backyard soccer wearing only undies will be totally uncool

 

You may have seen this article from the Huffington Post doing the rounds. I agree, but I also disagree.

I hate going to work

Not because I don't enjoy work (I mostly do)

Not because I don't want to keep my qualifications current (I do)

Not because a bit of extra money isn't nice (it is)

Not because I feel guilty (I don't)

Not because I hate their daycare (I don't love it, but it is quite adequate)

Not because I (gasp!) don't enjoy a little time away from them every now and then (I do enjoy some respite)

Not because I love every. single. minute. of being around them (I don't)

But because I really don't want to miss out

Are you missing the moments (either through work or something else)? How do you feel about it?

On my heart: Cannot love me more, will not love me less

You cannot love me more and You will not love me less 

Though I come to You with nothing I receive Your righteousness  

Well I come just as I am oh but here's the mystery  

 While I can come without changing, Your love changes me

From Your Love Changes Me - Nathan Tasker

Image Credit

Feelings.

They can be so fickle, and yet we rely on them. We rely on our feelings when we make decisions. We rely on our feelings to determine how we act toward other people, and how we allow them to act toward us. We rely on our feelings when we relate to God.

Some days I feel good. Some days I feel spiritual. Some days I feel close to God.

But, some days I don't... (Click to read more over at Life on a Hill)

Being perfectly imperfect

So, in case you hadn't guessed it yet... I'm not perfect.

This month, Kate from Picklebums has been celebrating mums and their imperfections...perfectly imperfect. For a little while, let's lose the mother-guilt (or the something-else guilt for any non-mummies). Let's revel in our God-given situations and personalities. Let's enjoy our gorgeous kids. Let's enjoy being how God has created us.And, let's share how we are all taking short-cuts!

I'm perfectly imperfect.

I am prone to dressing my children like this on a hot day (and forgetting to bring hats!):

And this on a cold day:

When I would like my 3-year-old to wear this (isn't it cute?),

she insists on wearing this (No amount of negotiation will change her mind. It is not a fight worth having):

But often at home, my kids just wear this (child on right hand side):

And, throughout most of winter, they accessorise with a runny nose. Unless the children themselves protest, the noses usually go unwiped.

 

In other imperfect news...

I lost my 2-year-old son (and 10 years off my life) at this busy Darling Harbour Park...(grandparents, block your ears)...for at least 3 minutes.

This made me so scared, that I made my 2 and 3 year olds play in a puddle next to a brick wall, instead of on the fun play equipment until my husband returned with our coffees. Free-range parent, I am not!

I let my kids drink this kind of thing... probably too regularly (it was actually one milkshake split over 2 cups, but still looks pretty impressive)...

I over-rely on a dummy for Miss 10 months.

I am always 'losing' my keys by putting them down here, on top of the pram instead of in my handbag. (I also notice the paint stains on the pram shade, which I haven't tried to clean off. It is no small feat to get 3 small children and 2+ wet paintings from the church hall to the car on a windy day!)

And finally (and you can borrow this tip...), I line my baking tins like this... who has time for cutting to size?

Share your best "perfectly imperfect" short-cut.

Do you like your kids?

A couple of days ago, I was in a conversation with some other mums. There was lots of talk of life with kids, and discipline, and difficulties, and frustrations. There were funny stories. It was a funny and fun conversation for the most part. 

But later, when I reflected on the conversation, I came away with an overwhelming impression. These mums don't like motherhood. Or even, these mums don't like their children. 

I know what you are thinking... and I reasoned the same thing. Of course they like their children. They love their children. I'm sure these mums do.

But to listen to our conversation, you could be forgiven for thinking differently. You could be forgiven for thinking that motherhood is all about feeling irritated, and frustrated. Or about trying to bring unruly children under control. Or about cleaning up mess, after mess, after mess. When mums get together it can be easy to focus on the hard bits, and the boring bits, and the frustrating bits, and the bits no-one tells you before you have children. We are united in the struggle of motherhood.

I confess I like to join in these negative conversations too. We happily tell the stories about the nights when we are up all night with sick children. Or the stories of toilet-training gone wrong. Or the stories of when kids embarrass us at the shops. We love to say to mothers with younger kids... just wait until they start walking, or until they turn 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5 or...)!

Life at home with kids is not easy. Yes, there are very hard times. There are very frustrating times. They are times that we regret. But would we make others feel awkward if we talked about how much we enjoy being around our kids? Or how much they make us laugh? Or how great it is to watch their little personalities develop? Or what joy it is to see them learning? Or how blessed we are to spend time with our little people?

What does your conversation reveal about you? Do you like your kids?

Are mummies superficial?

My husband Matt is very supportive of this whole blogging thing. He loves that blogging encourages me to think more deeply about certain topics, allows me to garner the opinions of others and gives me a bit of a mental outlet. He receives my new blog posts in his email every morning, and enjoys reading most of them.  

In some ways though, Matt is baffled by blogging, and in particular, by "mummy" blogging. Although Matt receives the blog emails each day, I'm sure he skips over anything about cooking and housework. (He hasn't told me this, but I'm right aren't I?). Matt always laughs about the fact that one of my most popular posts ever (in terms of the number of comments received), was one on my old blog about whether you leave your clothes-pegs on the clothesline, or keep them in a peg basket. Then a post about the famine in Africa, or the impact of large families, or the Bible is somewhat overlooked.

It does make me wonder if I have become more superficial as a mum? I  sometimes almost always find it easier to read and comment on blog posts about housework than about poverty. I find myself attracted to posts on making homemade ice cream more than those on living a godly life. I read a short post  (or a post with beautiful pictures) over a long post. I prefer to read Alexander McCall Smith over Charles Dickens. I would rather read "How to really love your child" by Ross Campbell than "The Cross of Christ" by John Stott (although even in my deep-thinking uni days, I never made it through "The Cross of Christ"!)

In our family, my husband worries about the "big" stuff (work, where we live, where we go to church, schools and the education system, Australia's political system, theology) and I worry about the "small" stuff (our home routine, housework, kids' activities, returning library books...). Though we both help each other out (I have a strong opinion on some of the big stuff, and he gives me ideas and assistance with the small stuff), my natural inclination is towards the "at home", and his is towards the "out of home". Occasionally something like the famine in Africa, or a part of the Bible will jolt me out of my home-based focus. But more often than not, I am too busy contemplating what we will have for dinner to contemplate the world economy.

I don't think this is all bad. I also don't think "narrow-focus" is always the same as "superficial". There is still huge intensity of relationships, emotions, ideas... even in a single home environment.

What do you think? Are you a "superficial" mummy?

Things I don't want to regret

Sometimes the fleetingness (I know it isn't a word) of life really hits me between the eyes. Anyone who is over 45 will tell you that the time we get with our small kids is so short. Today I was thinking about how I often get my priorities all out of whack. I spend too much time on the things that don't really matter and not enough time on the things that do.

 Here are some things I never want to regret:

1) Not kissing these chubby cheeks, or holding these little hands, or hugging this little body enough

2) Not seeing enough of these smiles

3) Not talking to, or touching, or hugging or enjoying my husband enough. One day he (or I) won't be around to talk to, or touch or hug or enjoy.

 4) Not snuggling enough with my little ones

5) Not letting mess happen

6) Not playing enough

7) Letting a clean/ tidy house be more important than relating to my kids

8) Being selfish with "me" time - taking more of it than I really need (at the expense of relationships)

9) Not cooking enough of this kind of thing (and enjoying it with family and friends)

10) Not making time to know God

Many will say to me on that day, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Than I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' Matthew 7:22-23

Parenting and preparing to let go

I posted this over at Life on a Hill yesterday:

 

On my wedding day, over 8 years ago, my dad gave a powerful and touching speech. (I remember it well because I have watched our wedding DVD quite regularly since the event!). I want to share a particular part of what he said:

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"I know that many dads of daughters will be able to relate to what I am saying here:

Let's think back to the time that we brought our baby daughters home from the hospital. We were the most important man in the life of that little girl. 

Or we think a little bit further on, when our daughters started talking. Our daughters told us that we were "the best in the world" at all sorts of things. We were told we were the smartest men in the world, the strongest men in the world, the fastest runners, the funniest men in the world, the best-looking... As time went by, our daughters realised that there were many men smarter, stronger, faster, funnier, better-looking than us, but still one thing remained. We were the most important man in the life of our little girl....

Click here to read more over at Life on a Hill

The pain of a single pink line

Image from here

I have recently been put on thyroid medication. 

Apparently it is not uncommon for women to have an under active thyroid following pregnancy and breastfeeding (something to do with the hormones). It is therefore less surprising that I would have an under active thyroid following 4 years of continuous pregnancy and/or breastfeeding.

I was chatting with a friend, who had previously used this medication, about the rumours that thyroid medication would make me lose weight. (This would be a not-at-all-unpleasant side effect!) Her reply; "I didn't really lose any weight... but it will improve your fertility"

We both laughed. And my friend (who now has two children) said; "Isn't it great that we can laugh about that now?" Because, a little over 4 years ago, fertility was no laughing matter - for either of us.

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Six years ago (ish), I stopped using contraception. I expected to fall pregnant fairly quickly - as many of our friends had done. 

I bought a box of pregnancy tests. I used them both in the first month - the first two single pink lines. The second, third and fourth months brought more of the same - single pink lines. Then I started to get a bit nervous. 

I was proactive. I learnt all about tracking my cycle and taking temperatures. I printed out graphs from the Internet. I kept a thermometer and a pen on my bedside table. I marked a little x on a graph every morning. After a while I didn't really need to buy any more pregnancy tests. I knew that a dip in my temperature meant no pregnancy. Then the period.

After almost 12 months, we saw a fertility specialist. He sent me for the first round of blood tests. This confirmed what the temperatures had been telling me that month - I was pregnant! 6 weeks later, (at what I thought was 10 weeks pregnant), I wasn't pregnant anymore. A few smears of blood. Two invasive ultrasounds. No heartbeat. Lots of tears. Expensive surgery to get an empty womb.

Another 6 months passed - more temperatures, more dips, more periods, more single pink lines. More tears. Prayer.

We returned to the fertility specialist. After a couple of thousand dollars in medical bills and several hours of tests, we had no real answers. I was booked in for a laparoscopy and "diagnosed" with mild-moderate endometriosis, which was removed. We tried some acupuncture and went on a crazy diet. For about 6 weeks I was dairy free, gluten free, sugar free, soy free... hungry!

For many who suffer with infertility, their story ends here. There are some who will never have children at all. Or, who will have only one child when their desire was for more. Or, who need years and years of intervention. Some will continue to grieve, even as they almost-accept.

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I am thankful that our story didn't end there. Sometime towards the end of the crazy six weeks in 2007, I was pregnant with Miss 3. When Miss 3 was 5 months old, I was pregnant with Mr 2. When Mr 2 was 7 months old, I was pregnant with Miss 8 months. 

The amazing blessing of hindsight. A little over 4 years ago, I wondered if I would have 1 child, let alone 3. Now when I think about the almost 2 years of heartache, I remember what a blessing it is to have my children. I can now laugh at the suggestion of my medication which will "improve my fertility".

Appearances are deceiving. To look at our family now, you would never suspect infertility. Infertility comes in all shapes and sizes.

(I love to hear your opinions. Please click on the title of this blog post if you would like to view comments or add your own comment).

I bit my son: Tales of terrible parenting and God's grace

Since I have been blogging, I have had a few people comment to me that I must be extremely organised/ busy/ thoughtful/ a role model parent. 

I am fairly organised and I am quite busy. I like to think about things (and write down my thoughts). But I never want to give the impression that I am a perfect/ role model parent, or that I am a 'better' parent than anyone else. The fact is, I find parenting very, very hard work. Rewarding and lovely, yes, but HARD work! Some days are particularly hard...

Case in point - the day I bit my son. I can't really believe that I am blogging about this. I was so embarrassed and ashamed about it, that at first I didn't even want to tell my husband! Now, with a bit of distance from the incident, I am telling the world wide web...  But, I decided to tell this story because I want to give a realistic picture of my life as a parent. I make BIG mistakes. I also want you to be encouraged that even in the big mistakes, ESPECIALLY in the big mistakes, God continues to reach out with his grace and forgiveness...

On this horrible day, the baby was screaming and fighting every sleep. My big girl was fighting against every instruction and suggestion I made. (Not excuses, just background information). Then, Mr. Cheeky started biting.

I'm not really sure if I would label Mr. Cheeky as a "biter". He has been through several phases of biting since about 9 months of age, but he always seems to get over it within a few days. I think the biting generally coincides with teething. As far as I know, he has never bitten anyone outside of our immediate family. When in biting mode, he does bite teddies and towels and blankets and things too. 

On the day in question, Mr. Cheeky was biting, and biting, and biting some more. Each time he bit, I would pick him up, remind him that we don't bite and put him in his bedroom for 2 minutes of time-out. On about the 4th time, he bit Miss Chatterbox and actually broke the skin on her shoulder. Back to his room for more time out - a little longer this time.

It was only about 2 minutes after coming back from that time out, that he bit again. I was getting pretty frustrated by this stage. The message was just not getting through. So, this time, as I was carrying Mr. Cheeky to his room, I took hold of his arm and bit it. I think I said something like "see... that hurts!"

{I know some people actually recommend this as a strategy to reduce biting. The idea (I think) is to help your child understand the pain they cause through biting. Some people report success with this strategy. I don't understand how this could be particularly effective however, particularly in young children. Children under the age of 3 or 4 have little ability to empathise with the pain of others, even if they know something causes pain}.

As soon as I bit Mr Cheeky, I felt wretched. I know I only bit back out of my own anger and frustration. It was not part of a well-thought-through parenting strategy. Pretty immature really! Mr Cheeky cried (probably more with shock than anything). I cried too. It was a pretty low moment.

I am SO SO FAR from being a perfect parent. I often treat my kids how I don't want to. I act in ways that counteract my  ideals. I provide less-than-ideal examples to my children. It feels pretty terrible.

I think and talk a lot about teaching and modelling God's grace to my kids. But, what a blessing to know that God's grace is for mummies (and daddies) too. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

And, "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it... yet" (Anne of Green Gables)

Being counter-cultural: 3 kids and counting

 

I know there are some other blessed mummies out there who have had 3 children (or more) in quick succession. You may or may not have noticed it. Having 3 children under school-age is counter-cultural. People don't expect it.

It feels as though everywhere I go with my 3 little ones, we attract comments (or, at the very least, looks). I cannot seem to blend in with the other pram-pushing mummies and be just another one of the "stay at home mum" crowd. I am always judged as "busy", "with my hands full", "amazing", "brave"...

When my kids are following instructions, playing kindly, waiting quietly, speaking graciously, acting enthusiastically... the positive comments and the looks of affirmation come. I am "amazing", "doing a great job", "a natural mother".

But, as soon as one (or more) child steps out of line (as children are prone to do!), I am judged more harshly than a mother of one misbehaving child might be. After all, I brought this on myself. Behind the clicking tongues I can hear the thoughts... "She can't deal with one child, let alone three"

What annoys me most about being watched (or judged) in this way is not so much what other people say or do though. What annoys me is my own reaction. Basically, that I am just not good enough at being counter-cultural. I want to appear like all the other 30-something mums. I don't want to stand out all the time. I want to be what society expects me to be, for better or worse.

So, when I hear the same comments again and again, I say what (I think) people expect me to say. I almost apologise for having 3 children close in age.

When someone says I have my hands full, why do I give a rueful smile and roll my eyes? Why don't I say proudly "Yep, and I love it!" When someone asks if we planned our family this way (a pretty rude question really!), why do I sigh and say "not exactly..."? Why don't I say "Maybe not, but we couldn't be prouder or happier about how God planned it for us?"When someone asks if we plan to have anymore children, and I say "maybe", why do I have to rush on and say "but not for a while!"?

And, you know what the stupidest thing is? I am a Christian. I should be well-rehearsed in being counter-cultural. It is what God desires of all His people, not just the ones with 3 small children.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed through the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2

Are you counter-cultural? How do you go with standing out?

I love to hear your opinions. Please click on the title of this blog post if you would like to view comments or add your own comment.