Married sex... the world misinterprets

I'm going to come right out and say it... Married people often have the best sex.

This is not the kind of thing I would usually talk about on The Useful Box (or in pretty much any forum really) but... married people, and even married Christians, enjoy sex. 

People have made insinuations about this aspect of our marriage because Matt and I had 3 children in 3 years. Awkward. Many people out there enjoy sex and haven't had 3 children in 3 years. Thanks contraception.

But, I wanted to tell you about how much married people (and even married people who have only ever had sex with each other) can enjoy sex. I think the world presents us with a lot of misinformation about sex. I have been confronted by some of these misrepresentations over the Christmas/ New Year break, both through what I see in the media, and what I hear from some of my non-Christian friends. 

This is what the world tells me:

• Married sex is boring, infrequent, a duty
• Married women are, for the most part, not sexually fulfilled
• Extra-marital sex is exciting, frequent, a pleasure
• Sex before marriage is normal and wise ("try before you buy")
• Saving sex for marriage is quaint and old-fashioned at best, stupid at worst
• Married women do not want to have sex (or not very often)
• Married women use sex as a weapon against their husbands to get what they want
• Married men are frustrated by a lack of sex or by having to earn the right to have sex
• Young, unmarried women are sexy
• Married women (especially with kids or over the age of 30) are not sexy (unless you happen to be in that rare category referred to as the "yummy mummy")
• People who have only had sex with one person (e.g. their husband or wife) are naive, inexperienced, sexually repressed
• Sex in a Christian marriage = procreation only
• Sex in a Christian marriage = missionary position
• People who oppose pornography, prostitution, orgies, or any other form of sexual expression between consenting adults are prudish and anti-sex

What the Bible (and my experience) tells me:

• Married sex can (and should) be exciting, frequent and pleasurable
• Saving sex for marriage is the wisest choice (even though pre-marriage it may not feel that way)
• Having many sexual partners is not the same as being sexually experienced
• Married women do want to have sex. And sometimes when they don't, they can choose to have it anyway, to please their husbands. Sort of like the way my husband might change a nappy when he doesn't feel like it, in order to please me... only more enjoyable!
• Married women can experience the greatest sexual fulfillment
• Though to the objective eye I am no "yummy mummy", I am the standard of beauty to my husband (and so are you, to your husband...)
• When it comes to knowing my husband, I am the most sexually experienced woman around.
• Sex is a gift from God for procreation, but also for creating unity in marriage and enjoyment. I have been pregnant 4 times (with one pregnancy resulting in miscarriage). In case you wondered, in 8.5 years of marriage, we have had sex more than 4 times.
• In line with God's view of sex being for unity and enjoyment, sex in a Christian marriage is not limited to the missionary position
• God has set clear Biblical guidelines against sex outside of marriage. From God's perspective pornography, prostitution, orgies etc are not helpful in building the unity and enjoyment of sex in marriage. Some (though I know not all) people who have experienced sex in these forms would agree that they lead to loneliness, lack of contentment, jealousy... or at worst, to abuse, hurt, and violation of human rights (e.g. human trafficking).

As I mentioned above, although sex is not a taboo topic among my friends, it is also not something I discuss regularly! But, based on the discussions I have had, it is often the friends who have had the most sexual experiences prior to their current relationship, who have the least enjoyable and fulfilling sex lives in their marriages. It is the friends who have the most sexual experience who also notice that their husbands are more likely to use pornography or be unfaithful. It is sometimes my most physically attractive friends who have struggled with feeling attractive to their husbands. 

Sadly, it is not only the world that misinterprets what sex within marriage is like. Christians and churches have and continue to misrepresent God's ideals on sex in marriage. But this is the subject of another post...

Do you think the world misrepresents married sex?

How to discourage your husband

Not clothes I picked for him (see point 5!)

I got this list of anti-advice from some old-school sermon tapes I've been listening to. (We still have a tape player in one of our cars, so I am borrowing some 80s sermon tapes from my mother-in-law for my drive to work). See if you are guilty of any of these. I know I am. Pretty cutting.

If you want to discourage your husband:

1. Make his decisions for him - financial and social. (You don't have to consciously do this - you can do it by default. Spend all his money before he has a chance to do so, or fill up his calendar before he gets a say in it)
2. Instill doubts in his mind about his abilities. Remind him of all the mistakes he has made in the past
3. Degrade him. Do it in front of others and especially in front of your children so they learn that he is not worthy of respect
4. Put his requests of you last. Do things for everybody else first.
5. Buy him the clothes that you want him to wear. Make sure he makes the impression you want.
6. Don't help him by cooking for him, washing his clothes etc. He can do that stuff himself.
7. Put your children ahead of him in every instance
8. Remind him regularly of how wise you are and how your decisions are best "Remember the last time, if you had only listened to me..."
9. Be ready with solutions to all his problems. Don't allow him to think through things on his own. That way he might realise his potential.
10. Be too busy for him when he gets home from work
11. When he brings home problems or issues, make sure you criticise him and take the side of the other party. Or, just give him advice so he knows he could never get along without you
12. Crush all his ideas as soon as he has them. "We can't do that because..." "That will never work"... Don't allow him to try something and succeed (or fail).
13. Pray that he will see your side of every argument. Pray that he will realise that he is wrong and you are right.
14. Compare him to other men. Highlight their strengths against his weaknesses.

Are you guilty of these? What do you do to encourage rather than discourage your husband?

How to stay married..?

Early in the new year, I was watching The View when I heard about this new (controversial) book. The Secret Lives of Wives is the result of 2 years of research. Iris Krasnow interviewed 200 long-term married women, who shared their "secrets" to long marriage.

Based on what I have heard/ read about the book, I probably won't be reading it. But here are the top 6 "secrets" of a long-term marriage (according to the book):

1. Make out with old boyfriends

2. Go on separate vacations

3. Get yourself a platonic boyfriend

4. Lower your expectations

5. Choose Mr. Predictable

6. Keep secrets from your spouse

No wonder marriages are messed-up. Surely some of these must be tongue-in-cheek, no?

Now, I admit that I have not been married as long as the 200 women interviewed for this book, but I do keep my ears open for good marriage advice. And, 8.5 years has to count for something! Here are my preferred top 6 "secrets" of long-term marriage, as passed on to me over the years.

1. Marry the right man. "Right" does not mean the most handsome, the most intelligent, the wittiest, the most popular or the most sought-after. To me, Mr. Right is striving to be more like Jesus, desires to lay down his life for his wife, is kind and caring and selfless and thinks the world of his wife. And  he always means what he says (e.g. predictable, trustworthy). When I was a uni student, an older woman gave me this advice: Marry a man who loves those who are unlovely. Then he will always love you too. I followed this advice. And he does.
2. Don't let divorce or separation be an option. Exceptions sadly occur (such as an old friend of mine who was beaten by her husband and ended the marriage for her own safety), but in the midst of an argument or misunderstanding (which can almost always be resolved), don't even let not resolving it be a consideration.
3. Make your husband your best friend and confidante. Sometimes husbands aren't great listeners. Sometimes they don't have the capacity to listen (due to external stress and other factors). It can be tempting to find a confidante outside of marriage (in a female friend, sister, parent etc). The more you reach outside of your marriage, the looser the bonds between you and your husband become. Confide in God first, and persevere with opening up the communication in your marriage. Become a great listener too!
4. Keep having dates - especially when kids are in the picture. Don't make your marriage all about being parents.
5. Get physical as much as possible. Not just sex (though that is part of it), but sit next to each other, give a back rub, hold hands...
6. Find out what makes your spouse most feel loved (e.g. letters, kind words, physical affection, time out...) and do this as often as possible.

What do you think of Krasnow's "secrets"? What are your top 6?

Men and women are different: who knew?

Today was my first day back at work.

Thank you to all my lovely real-life and blog friends who emailed or texted or Facebooked me to wish me all the best. Really wasn't expecting that!

I am in a very blessed position at the moment. My return to part-time work (Thursday/ Friday) has coincided with my school-teacher husband being on holidays. This means that our kids can spend 5 or so weeks getting used to not having mummy around, before they also have to get used to their new daycare centre. (They will start there in late January).

This morning as I was leaving for work, I got to thinking about how me leaving for work is completely different to when my husband leaves for work.

When Matt goes to work, his morning is all about going to work. Sure, he has a quick play with the kids, or might get their breakfast out, but his main focus is on having a shower, getting dressed, having breakfast, brushing his teeth, getting into the car and leaving.

It was so different for me to go to work. I spent the morning trying to do (or give instructions for my husband to do) all my normal jobs - unloading the dishwasher, getting the kids' breakfast, feeding Miss 1. I left Matt with a long (verbal) list of how I do things (with the implication that he should do them the same way!) I spent my car trip wondering whether I would come home to total chaos and disorder. I sort of expected that the washing would not be hung, the dirty dishes would be all over the kitchen, the nappies would not be changed. Don't get me wrong. Matt is a great help around the house. He is completely capable of doing everything that I would do on an average day (except the breastfeeding, and maybe some of the cooking). (He probably doesn't have quite the level of intolerance to mess and dirt that I have).

I spent part of my day feeling (wrongfully) resentful. Why should it be so easy for Matt to go to work, and so hard for me to leave? And, then it occurred to me. I am experiencing the reality of how God has created us. As a general rule, God has created men with the inclination to outside work, and women are more inclined to the home. This is not to say that men shouldn't do any work at home, or that women shouldn't go out to work. It is not to say that women can't or don't enjoy work or that men don't enjoy spending time at home. 

But I think Matt and I are fairly typical in this: His main area of responsibility is as a provider for our family. My income is supplementary. My main area of responsibility is at home. When Matt does stuff around the house, it is sort of like being a casual in a shop as opposed to being the store manager. He is happy to help out, but doesn't feel the same sense of responsibility as I do about staying on top of the washing or keeping the kitchen clean.

As it turns out, I underestimated my husband. I came home to three (fairly) happy kids and dinner nearly ready to serve. (I did leave instructions about what to cook!) And, I had a pretty good first day back at work too.

What about he?

There is no doubt that with the arrival of children, a woman's life goes through a lot of change. A new mum will often leave or reduce her time in the work-force. She will crave sleep more than anything else in the world. She will rarely go out of the house after 5pm... Add more children to the mix and it only gets worse.

Sometimes we forget about just how many changes a new dad goes through. Sometimes in all the mother's groups and breastfeeding support groups and programs for post-natal depression etc, dads are sort of left behind.

Maybe in years gone by, a dad's life didn't change all that much. It was under 2 generations ago that dads didn't even enter the labour ward. Perhaps in those days dads just continued about their business, going to work, coming home to find dinner on the table, going out with their friends... But, dads these days cannot get away with this lack of involvement. I don't know a single friend who did not have her baby's father with her during her labour. We share stories of how wonderful our husbands are when they change nappies, cook dinner, vacuum floors, clean toilets. But on the other hand we groan about the husbands who leave their dirty socks on the floor, who don't notice the crumbs on the table, who only change 1 nappy to every 10 that we mothers change.

There has been a recurring theme in some of my conversations with friends lately. We have started noticing how hard it is for our husbands. Once upon a time, our husbands lived with their mothers (and fathers). They were often cleaned-up after. They were cooked for. They slept when they wanted to sleep and even slept in on weekends. Once upon a time our husbands went to school, or uni. They may have had a low-responsibility part-time job. They didn't supervise people or take responsibility for others at work. They weren't in charge of million dollar accounts, or schools, or churches, or businesses. Once upon a time, they didn't have mortgages. They didn't have bills that demanded to be paid month after month. They didn't have one, or two, or three, or four, or more people relying on them to provide them with shelter and clothing and food. They could spend their money on entertainment, or brand-label clothes, or a ridiculous car, or a hobby. They could see their friends often and enjoy deeper levels of male friendship. They could exercise whenever they felt the need. They could play team sport(s). They could train every night if they wanted to do so. They could be heavily involved at church. They could lead youth group, and Bible study and Sunday school. They could be at church every night.

But suddenly, our men wake up with a wife, 3 kids, a dog, a mortgage and a responsible job. It is a hard feeling - the heavy weight  of responsibility on their shoulders. Sometimes I think women forget how hard it is for our husbands. Work is hard, time management is hard, friendships are hard, parenting is hard, marriage can be hard...

I am so thankful for my husband and all the responsibility on his shoulders.  Too often I take him for granted. But, I'm also thankful that there is one with stronger and broader shoulders still.

How to really love your {spouse}

I have recently been doing some research into a book by Ross Campbell entitled How to really love your child. In his book, Campbell emphasises that there is a difference between a child who is loved and a child who really feels loved. 

The same could easily be said in marriage. There is a difference between a husband or wife who is loved and a husband or wife who feels loved. Most of us could say that we love our husbands/ wives. Most of us could say that we are loved in return. But do we always feel loved? And do our husbands/ wives always feel loved? (Click to read more at Life on a Hill...)

Thinking my way to a better marriage

Whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

 Philippians 4:8. 

Stop and think about your husband/wife. What are the first things that pop into your head?

Are you thinking about the lawn that still hasn't been mowed? Or his workaholism? Are you remembering the time he was late home from work and forgot to call? Or how he leaves his shoes in the lounge-room every night? Do you want him to take more leadership in family prayer and Bible reading? Do you wish she was more gentle with your children? Do you want her to be a better cook? Or less anxious? Do you wish she would look after her physical appearance? Do you want him to spend less time on the golf course?

Do you think about the honourable, praiseworthy aspects of your husband/wife? Or does negativity crowd your thoughts? Do you think about whatever isn’t honourable, lovely, commendable…? 

There are many situations in which our thinking can be tested... (Read more over at Life on a Hill)

Christians (should) have more sex: Discuss

Last week, I was chatting with a long-time friend - a fellow Christian, fellow wife and fellow mother. 

We spent a lot of time talking about how to be more godly, more loving, more gentle, more servant-hearted, more engaged wives and mothers.

We also spent time talking about how Christian mums and wives should be (and shouldn't be) different from our non-Christian friends.

One area we talked about was this.

My friend recalled a conversation with her mother's group friends (mostly not Christian), where many of them confessed (or in some cases, proudly asserted) that they had not had sex with their husbands/ partners since about halfway through their pregnancies. At the time, I believe their babies were 8 or 9 months old.

That is close to a year in a marriage/ long-term relationship without sex.

I have heard similar stories from some of my non-Christian friends (not ALL, only SOME). I'm sure there are similar stories in Christian marriages/ relationships too, but maybe they are not shared as readily or so proudly asserted.

My friend commented; "There must be a lot of sad husbands out there". And, I would suggest, a lot of sad relationships.

**************************************

It is pretty annoying that Christians are perceived to be prudish, anti-sex, etc when we are (or should be) the ones having all the sex (within marriage). {I say this in a purely general sense, I'm not revealing any personal details}

Here is why:

• God takes a very high view of sex. He made it. He wants married couples to use it and enjoy it. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another… (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) 
• Sex strengthens the bond of a relationship and makes the relationship closer. (Generally speaking, this is particularly the case for men, sort of like a fantastic conversation strengthens a relationship for women).
• Sex is an important way for married couples to serve each other
• Constantly withholding or denying sex is not only discouraging, but hurtful to your husband/ wife and impacts your relationship (negatively)
• Constantly withholding sex makes it harder for a marriage to stand up against external temptation (flirtation from other people, pornography)

It is not always easy to make sex a priority in a marriage. In reality, there is tiredness, illness, interruptions from children... Of course, there are situations in some marriages (illness, disability etc) where it is impossible to make sex a regular part of the marriage. But, in general, it honours God when sex is a regular part of Christian marriages. 

And, I don't think this is exclusive to Christian marriages. It seems to me that all marriages/ long-term relationships benefit from following God's advice in this area.

I have a lovely and very wise non-Christian friend. When this came up in conversation following my old blog post (the link above), she remarked (something like) "I don't know why I am so reluctant to have sex at times. My husband does heaps of things for me that he doesn't always feel like doing (e.g. changing nappies, taking out garbage). I don't understand why I find it hard to make the same effort for him in this area." Give and take.

Christians (should) have more sex: Discuss

Marriage: Thinking positively

When I observe married (or long-term partnered) friends, relatives and acquaintances (women mostly) talking about their relationships, I notice some patterns.

Some praise their husbands so much that you almost wish you were married to them. Some complain about their husbands so much, you are grateful you didn't marry someone like them. Some friends don't say too much, but you can just see the love and respect they have for their husbands when they do mention them. Some people don't say much, but you can almost feel the distance or tension between them and their husbands when they come up in conversation. 

I have noticed these same patterns in my own head and heart at different times in my almost 8-year-old marriage. There are times when I feel so completely blessed and undeserving of being married to my husband. There are times when I just want to complain and rant and rave about him. There are times when I feel our marriage couldn't be closer, more intimate or any better. There are times when there is distance or tension.

The biggest thing that impacts how I feel about my husband or how I want to talk about him and to him (e.g. negatively or positively) is how I think about him.

Example: 

My husband is helping my daughter on the toilet. He yells out "The toilet paper just ran out. Where are the new rolls?"

Do I think (and say)?: 

• In the cupboard under the basin

• Well, if you ever replaced the roll under normal circumstances, you would know that I always keep them under the basin. And, hey, maybe if you helped put the groceries away... and... grumble, grumble, grumble... (If I am thinking rationally, I would remember that I put the groceries away when he is at work, he uses toilet paper far less than me - the man/ woman thing and also he is using work toilet paper all day - and therefore naturally does not get to the end of the roll as often as me, I like having the toiletries arranged to suit me etc, etc)

• In the cupboard under the basin, and thanks for replacing the roll (and/ or thanks for helping Miss Chatterbox)

Of course, this is just one (trivial) example, but it is easy to see how a consistent mindset  like the second one could eat away at a relationship. It is also easy to see how a consistent mindset like the third one would nurture a relationship.

The Bible says:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things (Philippians 4:8).  

How much more should we think about the noble, right, pure, lovely... aspects of our husbands and our marriages? 

In the marriage conference I mentioned in the last marriage post, we were given a couple of practical pointers for changing negative thinking to positive thinking:

• Remember what brought you together in the first place. How did you feel about your husband? What did you love about him or what attracted you to him? What shared experiences do you have? What fun have you had together?
• What do you admire about your husband now? Physically, his godliness, his humour, his emotional support for you, how he responds to your children, how he supports you financially...
• What things do you really respect in your husband?
• How have you seen your husband grow (in godliness, maturity etc) over the time you have been together?
• What hard times has he endured and come out of?
• For those who pray: Pray for your husband and your attitude to him.

Go on, tell us (anonymously if you want): What is so wonderful about your husband?

NB 1: I know there are many relationships that are suffering through very hard times - abuse, illness (physical or mental), financial difficulties etc. This is not to minimise the seriousness of those situations or negate the need for proper intervention (and serious prayer). This is more encouraging those who are allowing a build-up of little irritations to impact their relationship in a negative way.

NB 2: A lot of these ideas were also mentioned in a post on my old blog prompted by my reading of Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahoney. This is a wonderful book I recommend for Christian women, based on Titus 2.

Your marriage: God's way

(Picture is my brother and his wife: I hope they don't mind me using it. They both look stunning anyway!)

Years ago, pre-children, Matt and I attended a marriage conference. The keynote speaker was Anne Hollands, CEO of Relationships Australia. She talked about the change in attitudes to relationships/ marriage in our society.You have probably noticed yourself, or heard it before. 

Over the past couple of generations, there has been a switch in our thinking (as a society). The prevailing attitude is individualism. We are told to be self-sufficient - financially, emotionally, in our interests. We are to achieve individual happiness and success. We cannot be dependent on anyone else. A woman cannot rely on/ trust a man.

We have great expectations. In  relationships, we expect deep companionship and intimacy, intellectual stimulation, fun, great sex.... all the time. If any of these ingredients are missing, search elsewhere... If a relationship does not contribute to  individual happiness and success, search elsewhere... Don't give to a relationship if you won't get anything from it!

Anne Hollands pointed out that the quality of our relationships is the most significant determiner of  happiness. (This is supported by research). Yet ironically, in chasing after individual happiness and success, in the ideology of individualism, in having high expectations of what we will get from our partner, the quality of  relationships deteriorates. We try to create marriages/ relationships made up of two individuals who happen to live together and maybe have children together.

Your (better) marriage: Anne Holland's way:

• Choose to be a team and consciously create a partnership
• Move beyond individual entitlement to relational accountability
• Move beyond self sufficiency to relational interdependence
• Look to the interests of your partner above your own interests

I am looking at the scribbled notes I wrote at that conference. Matt has written in the margin of my notes: "Sounds like God's advice disguised as good social constructs". Funny how the Bible offers the best advice on relationships. It is only written by the One who created relationships.

Your (better) marriage: God's way:

• Look not only to your own interests, but the interests of your partner/ others (Philippians 2: 4)
• Have the attitude of Jesus "who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant...He humbled himself to death, even death on a cross." (Philippians 2: 6-8)

Of course, there are many practical ways to do all of the above. I will be posting some practical tips I have learnt (and mostly need to be reminded of!) over the next few weeks. Please contribute your practical tips too. (Thanks for those on Facebook who already gave some ideas about what you do).

What is your attitude to your relationship/ marriage? Two individuals? Or one "team"?