The importance of kindness

(This was written last weekend)

This weekend started out tough for one of our children (and therefore, us).

There was no single event that made it tough. It was more a consistent opposition to everything we suggested, seeking to control the behaviour of siblings, a desire for our immediate attention anytime we diverted it to siblings or each other... In short, it was tiring! The constant negotiation, the dealing with sibling squabbles, the constant diversions in attention...

Sometimes, when we are dealing with the repetitiveness of this type of behaviour, we revert to our old methods of discipline. And, often these methods are not particularly good at teaching. 

For us, shouting, lecturing, "do it because we say so", time-out (without any follow-up), smacking (again, without any follow-up) are not good teaching methods. While some of these might lead to on-the-spot sorrow, they do not change behaviour long-term, they do not provide intrinsic motivation towards appropriate behaviour and they are detrimental to our relationship with our kids. (At least, this is what seems to happen at our house!) Besides, I do not like the example I am giving my kids about how we treat other people when I am yelling at them, threatening and bribing them and sending them away from me at the first sign of conflict. I do not feel kind when I parent this way. I do not feel gracious.

This weekend, when faced with the constant arguments over any suggestions we made; e.g. clothing selections, hair-styles, food choices, play choices... I reverted immediately to control (e.g. "I said you are wearing it, so you are wearing it", "You do what mummy says thank you"). And, this does not work (at our house). It has the potential to lead to more argument and/or tantrums and/or sullenness or sulking. It makes me feel horrible.

Then I remembered kindness. (It takes me awhile sometimes!) I remembered my role as a parent to display kindness. And, I remembered my child's ability to understand, receive and show kindness (with prompting required sometimes!). As the next argument began, I changed tactic. (This is not verbatim... it was something like this - probably not quite as smooth as this...)

Me: "It seems like you don't like mummy and daddy's choices today. You want to make your own choices"

Child: "I'm not making choices!" (Yes, we were a bit oppositional!)

Me: "It is hard when you have to fit in with other people isn't it?"

Child: "Hmmfh" 

Me: "Do you think mummy and daddy like it when you speak unkindly to us?"

Child: "No"

Me: "Do mummy and daddy speak unkindly to you?" (risky question!!!)

Child: "No"

Me: "It makes me very sad when you speak unkindly to me. I want you to think about a better way to tell me if you don't like something."

Child: "I feel cranky today"

Me: "Okay, what can you do if you feel cranky?...

etc, etc

I'm sure it wouldn't work so smoothly in every case, but after a whole morning of opposition, we had a different child following this interchange. I had to give a couple of reminders ("Kindness please"), but the constancy was gone.

I sometimes underestimate my child's ability to empathise (with guidance). I underestimate my child's desire to show kindness. And, I under-estimate my own ability to teach appropriate behaviour effectively, without punishment.

Do you aim to teach your children kindness?


(P.S: A lot of these ideas come from Children are people too by Dr. Louise Porter, Positive Discipline in the Christian Home by Jane Nelsen et al, and How to really love your child by Dr. Ross Campbell)

Older dads

Over the weekend I was reading the Good Weekend magazine (which comes in the Saturday Sydney Morning Herald for those interstate or overseas). I enjoyed reading an article on older dads. (Sorry, I can't find a link to it online) I think, by the standard of the article, an older dad was defined as being over 55.

The article was more a description of the lives of older dads, rather than an editorial about the advantages and disadvantages. There was a small section detailing some of the health risks for the babies of older fathers. These health risks included a twofold increase in the risk of developing schizophrenia, as well as a link to increased rates of Autism. 

On the other hand, there seems to be some advantages to older fatherhood. This is especially if the older fathers have enough money to be semi-retired/ work from home and spend heaps of time with their young children (as in the case of Mike Carlton - one of the older dads interviewed).

I really have no opinion on older fatherhood, though the increased health risks are worrying. My husband has always said that he would prefer our family done and dusted by the time he is 40. (He is turning 37 in June, so I tell him we can still squeeze in 3 more children in that time ;-)).

We have friends on both ends of the spectrum. One couple from our church are in their early 20s having children. Other friends of ours did not marry until the husband was over 40. He is now approaching 50 (though a very youthful 50!) with two small children. I don't think he feels it any more than your average father with a demanding job and small children. Perhaps if he were another decade older, things may be different.

What is your opinion/ experience with older fathers? Did you have one? Are you/ is your husband an older father? Do you think there are advantages/ disadvantages to late fatherhood?

It's not your turn...

Turn-taking. It is a skill we work so hard at teaching our little people, and yet some adults don't seem to understand it.

People who have no concept of turn-taking have always made me mad. I have a very strong (some might say, overdeveloped) sense of justice about waiting your turn.

I once had a holiday job as a uni student, wrapping Christmas presents at a local shopping centre. The wrapping service was run and paid for by centre management, but it was a charity fundraiser. Customers did not pay for the wrapping, but were asked to contribute a gold coin donation. My over-zealous approach to encouraging the donation, and to ensuring that people were served in the correct order (some tried to ignore the queue and bring their gift straight to other end of the counter) earned me a nickname among some of the other gift-wrappers - "The Wrapping Cow". (The instigator of this nickname happened to be my brother who was working at the same holiday job). The nickname was supposed to be kind of ironic, as most who know me (I think) would say I am generally quite a softy. But perhaps my passion for justice can see my personality change...

Confronted by very long waiting lists at my new job, I can see my sense of justice rearing its' head again. 

I really understand where parents are coming from. Their children need help with their speech and language skills. They want to ensure they get the best and most efficient service possible. It is sad that we cannot provide the services that children really need, in a suitable time-frame. But there are a few things I wish people would understand:

• When I tell you the waiting list is 2 years long, and you referred your child in December 2011, there will not be an appointment available for you in March 2012.
• No amount of complaining (to me) or getting angry, will make the waiting list move any faster. In fact, if you keep ringing up to complain about the waiting list, and my manager has to spend half a day on the phone dealing with complaints, the waiting list will probably move more slowly.
• If you do want to complain, and make it effective, complain via the suggested avenues. These complaints get noticed by people who can change things (e.g. people who employ more staff).
• I appreciate that your child's problem is 'urgent'. There are 140 other parents ahead of you on the list who also believe their child's problem is urgent.
• I know you want an appointment either first thing in the morning or last thing in the afternoon. Everybody does.
• It is really not unacceptable that I can only offer you an appointment once a fortnight. If you do the suggested follow-up at home, a fortnightly appointment may be quite adequate.
• If I need to cancel a session (for example, after having an unexpected 2.5 hour drive to work one morning due to road flooding), it is not unacceptable. This is a very rare occurrence for me. 
• And if you cancelled the previous appointment, you cannot assert that "two sessions in a row have been cancelled". Though this is technically true, the implication that both sessions were cancelled against your wishes is not true.
• When a clinician only works on Thursday and Friday, you are unlikely to have your phone call returned on Monday.
• Please don't complain about how long you have had to wait between appointments, but then tell me you have been 'too busy' to do any of the suggested follow-up at home.
• When I ring you to offer you an appointment, don't say "Okay, we will come at 4pm on Friday". I have not left my whole diary blank, waiting to schedule your appointment.

It is quite bemusing to me when people seem to have no regard for the needs and situations of others. 

Sure, sometimes turn-taking is frustrating. We don't want to wait. We want things to be made convenient for us. We don't want to have to stop at every red light. We don't want to stand in that queue. But what chaos would descend if we all took the view that my needs are most important and I will trample over everyone else to get there? Maybe I would decide I don't want to stop at red lights. Or maybe I could park in your driveway because it is next to the shop I need to go to. Or maybe I should encourage my child to snatch whatever toy s/he wants because his/her desires are more important than the child currently enjoying the toy...

Or, just maybe, the Bible has something good to say about this (as with many things):

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 2: 3-5)

Does impatience/ pushing in bother you?

The myth of parental control

I've got a secret to share with you all... I can't control my kids.

And I've got news for you... you can't control your kids either.

Maybe you have known this ever since you began your parenting journey. I am a slow learner.

I know I'm not the only one who was fooled into thinking I could be/ should be in control. The idea of parental control is evident in the whispers of other parents, or non-parents; "She can't control her kids". It is there in the judgements we make pre-children; "My kids will never...". It is there when the parents of now-grown children recall their parenting days; "When we were kids, we would never even think of..." or "Our children knew they would never get away with...". It was there a few months ago, when after a particularly bad display at one of our family Christmas gatherings, my aunt threatened my Miss 3; "If you don't stop those tantrums, you will get a good hiding". (Fortunately, I don't think Miss 3 understood what a 'hiding' was, and she was too tired to ask me about it).

I have read a lot about parenting. I have learned some great strategies. I have continued to pray for wisdom and guidance in my parenting. But, no matter how many strategies I learn, no matter how consistent I am in their implementation, and no matter how much I pray, I cannot really control my kids. Sure, I can give the appearance of being in control. Most of the time, I can make my kids do what I want them to do. But I cannot always control what they do. And, though I can influence them, I cannot control their hearts and their attitudes. And, I don't want to.

I don't want to control my kids because I want to them to learn self-control. 

There is a problem though. Self-control is not learned overnight. This is a long process. I am 32 years old (almost 33) and I still struggle with self-control. I can hardly be surprised when my 1, 2 and 3 year olds struggle with it too. 

In learning self-control, my kids make mistakes. They may hurt or say unkind things to each other. They may have tantrums. They may even have tantrums in public. I may look like I'm not in control... because I'm not. But I'm slowly learning that it is okay.

What do you think about parental control? Are the kids of today 'out of control'?

Do you like your kids?

A couple of days ago, I was in a conversation with some other mums. There was lots of talk of life with kids, and discipline, and difficulties, and frustrations. There were funny stories. It was a funny and fun conversation for the most part. 

But later, when I reflected on the conversation, I came away with an overwhelming impression. These mums don't like motherhood. Or even, these mums don't like their children. 

I know what you are thinking... and I reasoned the same thing. Of course they like their children. They love their children. I'm sure these mums do.

But to listen to our conversation, you could be forgiven for thinking differently. You could be forgiven for thinking that motherhood is all about feeling irritated, and frustrated. Or about trying to bring unruly children under control. Or about cleaning up mess, after mess, after mess. When mums get together it can be easy to focus on the hard bits, and the boring bits, and the frustrating bits, and the bits no-one tells you before you have children. We are united in the struggle of motherhood.

I confess I like to join in these negative conversations too. We happily tell the stories about the nights when we are up all night with sick children. Or the stories of toilet-training gone wrong. Or the stories of when kids embarrass us at the shops. We love to say to mothers with younger kids... just wait until they start walking, or until they turn 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5 or...)!

Life at home with kids is not easy. Yes, there are very hard times. There are very frustrating times. They are times that we regret. But would we make others feel awkward if we talked about how much we enjoy being around our kids? Or how much they make us laugh? Or how great it is to watch their little personalities develop? Or what joy it is to see them learning? Or how blessed we are to spend time with our little people?

What does your conversation reveal about you? Do you like your kids?

Are mummies superficial?

My husband Matt is very supportive of this whole blogging thing. He loves that blogging encourages me to think more deeply about certain topics, allows me to garner the opinions of others and gives me a bit of a mental outlet. He receives my new blog posts in his email every morning, and enjoys reading most of them.  

In some ways though, Matt is baffled by blogging, and in particular, by "mummy" blogging. Although Matt receives the blog emails each day, I'm sure he skips over anything about cooking and housework. (He hasn't told me this, but I'm right aren't I?). Matt always laughs about the fact that one of my most popular posts ever (in terms of the number of comments received), was one on my old blog about whether you leave your clothes-pegs on the clothesline, or keep them in a peg basket. Then a post about the famine in Africa, or the impact of large families, or the Bible is somewhat overlooked.

It does make me wonder if I have become more superficial as a mum? I  sometimes almost always find it easier to read and comment on blog posts about housework than about poverty. I find myself attracted to posts on making homemade ice cream more than those on living a godly life. I read a short post  (or a post with beautiful pictures) over a long post. I prefer to read Alexander McCall Smith over Charles Dickens. I would rather read "How to really love your child" by Ross Campbell than "The Cross of Christ" by John Stott (although even in my deep-thinking uni days, I never made it through "The Cross of Christ"!)

In our family, my husband worries about the "big" stuff (work, where we live, where we go to church, schools and the education system, Australia's political system, theology) and I worry about the "small" stuff (our home routine, housework, kids' activities, returning library books...). Though we both help each other out (I have a strong opinion on some of the big stuff, and he gives me ideas and assistance with the small stuff), my natural inclination is towards the "at home", and his is towards the "out of home". Occasionally something like the famine in Africa, or a part of the Bible will jolt me out of my home-based focus. But more often than not, I am too busy contemplating what we will have for dinner to contemplate the world economy.

I don't think this is all bad. I also don't think "narrow-focus" is always the same as "superficial". There is still huge intensity of relationships, emotions, ideas... even in a single home environment.

What do you think? Are you a "superficial" mummy?

Things I don't want to regret

Sometimes the fleetingness (I know it isn't a word) of life really hits me between the eyes. Anyone who is over 45 will tell you that the time we get with our small kids is so short. Today I was thinking about how I often get my priorities all out of whack. I spend too much time on the things that don't really matter and not enough time on the things that do.

 Here are some things I never want to regret:

1) Not kissing these chubby cheeks, or holding these little hands, or hugging this little body enough

2) Not seeing enough of these smiles

3) Not talking to, or touching, or hugging or enjoying my husband enough. One day he (or I) won't be around to talk to, or touch or hug or enjoy.

 4) Not snuggling enough with my little ones

5) Not letting mess happen

6) Not playing enough

7) Letting a clean/ tidy house be more important than relating to my kids

8) Being selfish with "me" time - taking more of it than I really need (at the expense of relationships)

9) Not cooking enough of this kind of thing (and enjoying it with family and friends)

10) Not making time to know God

Many will say to me on that day, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Than I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' Matthew 7:22-23

Can anything be done?

Have you ever listened to one of your children crying? And not been sure how to stop it? Or not had the resources to stop it?

Could you imagine hearing your child crying with hunger and having nothing to give? Or bringing your baby to your breast, knowing that you were so malnourished yourself, that there was nothing there? What about watching your child move beyond crying, to the listless, hopeless, exhaustion of severe malnutrition? Or  abandoning hope that your child would see their next birthday?

This is reality for millions of parents in Ethiopia and Somalia:

Image from here

Image from here

Do these images tug at our hearts, or our consciences? Are they too familiar? Or at the same time, too distant? 

Does our night of sleeplessness, or our credit card debt, or our lack of fashionable clothes to wear, or the lack of chocolate in the house... fade into insignificance? Or, do we push these images to the back of our minds and go back to complaining about how small our houses are?

One of Miss 3's memory verses at the moment says:

He has shown you O man what is good. What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

In the face of suffering: how can I act justly? Should I just conclude that I can't make a difference and move on? In the face of suffering: how can I show mercy? Should I go back to preparing our family's satisfying dinner with a quiet sigh of desperation? In the face of suffering: how can I walk humbly with my God? Should I give myself a pat on the back for writing a blog post about Africa and conclude that I have "done my bit"?

In the face of suffering, I can:

Care

The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern (Proverbs 29:7)

Pray Fervently

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12)

Give Generously

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy (Proverbs 31:20)

Contact organisations such as Unicef, World Vision, The Red Cross, CARE Australia, TEAR Australia and Oxfam.

Stand up for justice

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy (Proverbs 31: 8-9) 

Wait patiently and with hope

Never again will they hunger... For the Lamb at the centre of the throne will be their shepherd... and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes (Revelation 7:16-17)  

Other great articles:

Fixing Famine: What will it take?

Deb (Aspiring Mum)'s post: Perspective

Jess (Diary of a SAHM)'s post: Third World Problems should be #First World Problems
Lisa (Mummy's Undeserved Blessings)'s post: What if it was your child starving?

I love to hear your opinions. Please click on the title of this blog post if you would like to view comments or add your own comment.

The TV question

It has recently come to my attention that I am a little bit of a TV Nazi. 

Our big kids (aged 2 and 3) watch no more than an hour of TV most days. (They may watch up to 2 hours on a sick day). The only thing we regularly watch is Play-school or Colin Buchanan DVDs. We also have one "Thomas the Tank Engine" DVD which has been watched about 3 times. We have prescribed "TV time" and the TV goes off when the DVD or Play-school episode is over. 

I have recently discovered that many other 3-year-olds watch a lot more variety and in some cases have a fair bit more TV time than our Miss 3.

I'm pretty set on the time factor - I'm not keen to have more TV time, but I am thinking maybe a bit more diversity would be a good thing.

What shows do your kids watch (particularly preschoolers)? How much TV time do you allow?

I love to hear your opinions. Please click on the title of this blog post if you would like to view comments or add your own comment.

Being counter-cultural: 3 kids and counting

 

I know there are some other blessed mummies out there who have had 3 children (or more) in quick succession. You may or may not have noticed it. Having 3 children under school-age is counter-cultural. People don't expect it.

It feels as though everywhere I go with my 3 little ones, we attract comments (or, at the very least, looks). I cannot seem to blend in with the other pram-pushing mummies and be just another one of the "stay at home mum" crowd. I am always judged as "busy", "with my hands full", "amazing", "brave"...

When my kids are following instructions, playing kindly, waiting quietly, speaking graciously, acting enthusiastically... the positive comments and the looks of affirmation come. I am "amazing", "doing a great job", "a natural mother".

But, as soon as one (or more) child steps out of line (as children are prone to do!), I am judged more harshly than a mother of one misbehaving child might be. After all, I brought this on myself. Behind the clicking tongues I can hear the thoughts... "She can't deal with one child, let alone three"

What annoys me most about being watched (or judged) in this way is not so much what other people say or do though. What annoys me is my own reaction. Basically, that I am just not good enough at being counter-cultural. I want to appear like all the other 30-something mums. I don't want to stand out all the time. I want to be what society expects me to be, for better or worse.

So, when I hear the same comments again and again, I say what (I think) people expect me to say. I almost apologise for having 3 children close in age.

When someone says I have my hands full, why do I give a rueful smile and roll my eyes? Why don't I say proudly "Yep, and I love it!" When someone asks if we planned our family this way (a pretty rude question really!), why do I sigh and say "not exactly..."? Why don't I say "Maybe not, but we couldn't be prouder or happier about how God planned it for us?"When someone asks if we plan to have anymore children, and I say "maybe", why do I have to rush on and say "but not for a while!"?

And, you know what the stupidest thing is? I am a Christian. I should be well-rehearsed in being counter-cultural. It is what God desires of all His people, not just the ones with 3 small children.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed through the renewing of your mind... Romans 12:2

Are you counter-cultural? How do you go with standing out?

I love to hear your opinions. Please click on the title of this blog post if you would like to view comments or add your own comment.

On snobbery

I know it is nothing new.

Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say "Here's a good seat for you", but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet", have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? (James 2:2-4)

I've experienced it before, but maybe I haven't been quite as sensitive to it as I am at the moment.

Snobbery.

We have moved into a new part of Sydney. In this part of Sydney, the houses are more expensive than where we came from. It is by no means the most expensive area in Sydney, nor the second, third, fourth or even fifth probably. But it is an area where people like to live. It is an area that attracts a lot of suburb pride. We recently discovered that some locals call our particular area "the kingdom"!

With suburb pride comes suburb discrimination. I just can't stand it. Many locals seem to think that now that I am "one of them", I will adopt a similar attitude of suburb pride, and look down my nose at where I have come from ("out west"").

There are the sort of backward snobby comments ("Oh, it must be a bit of an adjustment moving over here" or "You will find it much different here"), there are the comments in praise of the new area ("You will love it here" or "This is the best street in...") and then there are the outright rude comments ("The people are much different here").

But, the worst comment came from a relative (by marriage) of my husband. He said; "You must be glad you've moved over here. There are a better class of people over here" It was all I could do to restrain myself from saying "Well, pretty much all my friends from [previous area] are more intelligent, more articulate, more thoughtful, more open-minded and earn more money than you, so I'm not sure what you mean by "better class". (Of course, we all know that there is no way I could have come up with that come-back on the spot. Even if I could, I would never had said it!)

It is not only the snobbery that irks me. It is the complete ignorance of what life is actually like "out west". (We have discovered that "out west" refers to any area from Richmond to Camden, anything west of probably Strathfield!) If you care about money, probably 75% of people who live "out west" actually have just as much money as those who are closer to the coast. I have many friends "out west" who have beautiful houses, 2-3 times the size and 50 years newer than what we could afford where we are now. There are many, many people on 6 figure salaries (and much more) living "out west". If you care about education, almost all of my "westie" friends have post-school education, either university or TAFE qualifications. If you care about intelligence, I have friends in the west with whom I can have vigorous intellectual debate and discussions. I also know at least 4 people "out west" with Phds (and they are only the ones I know personally). 

The "west" is nothing like what "A Current Affair" tells you. The east has nothing to offer that the west does not have (oh, okay, the east does have the beach I guess!). The west is where I have lived for most of my life (and all my adult life). It is where my family and most of my friends live. It is where I got married and where I first brought my kids home to. It is the place I am totally homesick for at the moment. The people and places "out west" are a huge part of who I am now. I hope I will never look down my nose at "the west".

Have you experienced suburb snobbery?

Breastfeeding in public: taboo or terrific?

Recently, around the web, there has been some talk about breastfeeding in public. It may be something to do with some new legislation in Atlanta and in Australia. 

It seems we can't leave well enough alone on this issue. I really wonder why we still need to talk about it. I thought that in these "enlightened" times, it would go without saying that women are entitled to breastfeed in public if and when they see fit. I have been very surprised at the anti-breastfeeding-in-public sentiment that still exists  the wider community. Back in the days before I was blogging, I came across this article. I was pretty outraged.

Despite thinking that women have the right to breastfeed if, when and where they see fit, my own actions have changed somewhat over the lifespans of my 3 children. 

I breastfed my first baby (now 3) until she was 13 months old (though, from about 9 months she was only having morning and evening feeds - no daytime/ public feeds). Until 9 months, I regularly fed her in public - anywhere and everywhere - cafes, restaurants, parks, the library, church... I was part of the ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Association) and I was exercising my right to breastfeed in public. 

I followed a similar pattern with baby 2 (now 22 months). Breastfeeding in public was a little different with him mostly because  our outings were more focused around other "kid-friendly" places - playgroup, friend's houses etc, with my toddler in tow.  These days, while feeding my 5.5 month old, and with a 22 month old and 3 year old in tow, my outings are even more "kid-friendly".

I have never received overtly negative comments about breastfeeding in public.  I, like most nursing mothers, am quite discreet about feeding. I wear a breastfeeding singlet and a t-shirt-style top, so I can pull up one layer, keeping my stomach covered with the singlet underneath, then re-cover most of the breast once baby has latched on. I have however, had some subtle experiences that have made me re-think when and how I breastfeed in public.

On one occasion, my husband and I were at a cafe with our children. I was breastfeeding baby #3. A middle-aged male friend from church stopped by and eagerly bounded up to our table - until he saw that I was feeding. I don't think he was offended, but he clearly felt very awkward. He mumbled something about "coming back later" and left as quickly as he could. On other occasions, I have been on the receiving end of uncomfortable looks when I have been breastfeeding. 

I now tend to avoid feeding in restaurants and cafes (unless I can find a very private corner). I also avoid feeding if in the direct line of sight, or in a conversation with a man (apart from my husband, or my dad or something). Although I don't feel uncomfortable in these situations, and I know I have the right to feed, I want to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. I find there are generally ways around these situations (getting a take-away coffee and going to the park for example).

Some militant breast-feeders would see my actions as cowardly, or letting down the cause. I know I have the right to feed my baby wherever, whenever and in the presence of whoever I want. I know that breastfeeding is good for baby and I want to promote it (while acknowledging that it is not for everybody). I know that society should be encouraged to treat breastfeeding mothers as natural. I believe that society should be more concerned about the lack of modesty of many fashion trends, or the increasing prevalence of pornography in advertising than any non-sexual 'exposure' during breastfeeding.

But, sometimes I choose not to exercise my right to breastfeed in public for the sake of others. I  choose not to make others feel uncomfortable for the sake of making a political statement. I think breastfeeding in public is terrific. But I think caring for other people is more terrific.

What do you think about breastfeeding in public? What experiences have you had?

Kids: How many is "too many"?

Over the weekend, I got to reading this post over at Mia Freedman's blog.

By the time I got through the article and a number of the comments, I was fuming.

Not so much the post, and not Dick Smith's comments (which I think have certainly been sensationalised in the blog post - particularly the title of the post), but by some of the comments below the article.

Comments like:

"It is seriously selfish to have kids. Watch as all the parents try to justify their selfish choices" (I did giggle when someone replied to that comment with "Is that what you told your parents?")

"Dick Smith is completely on the money. I don't understand why anyone would even want more than 2"

"Let's keep educating women and this won't be a problem. Education is the best contraceptive"

and, on the side of the argument I agree with:

"Dick Smith has no right to dictate to women what they should and shouldn't do with their bodies". (Oh, please - you can't come up with any better counter-argument than that!)

A while ago, Matt and I actually watched the ABC documentary Dick Smith made on this very issue. If Dick Smith mentioned the 2 child "limit" in that documentary, it was put so mildly that I did not even notice it! I certainly wasn't offended by anything Dick Smith had to say, though I don't completely agree with him.The thing is that Dick Smith is an intelligent man. He doesn't need to make stereotyped, rude and blanket statements about the choices other people make in order to get his point across.

He did not say:

• Everyone with children is selfish
• Everyone with more than 2 children is either selfish or stupid
• Everyone with more than 2 children is uneducated
• Women of Australia have no right to more than 2 children

He did argue for people of Australia to think about sustainable living, and how perhaps our choices on family size might impact our ecological footprint. Like I said, I disagree with him, but I appreciate that he expressed his views with courtesy and an appreciation of us all being in unique circumstances. For some reason, this common courtesy is often lost in blog comments!

Anyone who reads here regularly knows that I have 3 children under the age of 3. After a bit of drama trying to conceive number 1, I see this as nothing but a blessing. If God wills it, we are completely open to the idea of more children (though maybe with a bit more of a break between pregnancies this time around!)

My thoughts on the whole Dick Smith issue and sustainable living:

• The ecological footprint of many childless couples in the developed world is presumably greater than that of many large families across the world. Compare a family of 10 living in poverty in Africa or Asia with a jet-setting couple living in Sydney - with 2 cars, trips to Melbourne every 2nd weekend, access to many resources and disposable income...
• Our lifestyle expectations have far more to do with environmental damage and perceived "overpopulation" than our family size does. As a family we "need" 2 cars, the "right" education for our kids, new clothes, toys, books, overseas or interstate family holidays, each child "needs" their own bedroom, we "need" a playroom, etc etc...
• Latest statistics show that the average household in Australia is just over 2.5 people. (And our houses are the biggest in the world - see point above - does a family of 2.5 need a four bedroom house?). Not too much crowding inside our homes.
• We also have a growing percentage of single-person dwellings (somewhere around 30% according to the latest 2001 figures). There is reportedly a growing sense of disconnect from community, family and little inter-generational contact. Smaller families and fewer children is only going to continue this trend. Is this what we want for our society?
• There are conflicting views related to population growth anyway. Many sociologists report concerns of a "demographic winter" where an aging population will have a limited workforce to support them as they can no longer work and require care.
• Governments recognise the importance of family structures and population growth to our future - hence the baby bonus and generous financial assistance available to families with children.
• I can't understand why some "anti-children" people are so rude as to dictate the family planning choices that others should make. If we tried to dictate to many of those people that maybe they should eat less meat, drink less alcohol, drive less, travel less... (all things that contribute to our eco-footprint), they would be outraged.

What do you think about all this over-population stuff? How many kids is "too many"?

Check out some great posts as part of the "Digital Parents" blogging carnival. Click this button to see a list of posts.

"Experts" make me mad

1) Overheard at play-group

Mother A: "I'm worried about X and her speech. She is over 2 now and only says a couple of words. Do you think I should ask the doctor or someone about it?"

Mother B: "No, don't worry about it. My friend's little boy didn't speak at all until he was 5. When he did talk, he just used full sentences straight away. No problems"

Mother C (me): "GRRRR!"

2) Read on Facebook

Mother A (a friend of mine, who is doing a great job getting everything looked into for her son): "Worried about Y and his results on Speech assessment. They have recommended that I see Speech, OT and a paediatrician".

Mother B (someone I don't know): "I don't know any 3 year-olds who speak properly. Don't get sucked in. Don't pay money for something that will fix itself."

Mother C (me): (I actually did comment, but my comment was BEFORE Mother B). My basic advice was to remember that the results are an indication of her son's performance on THAT day, with THAT test, with THAT Speech Pathologist. The test also ONLY looks at language skills. It is not saying anything about her son's lovely personality, or his strengths in other areas. We know that mothers know HEAPS MORE about their children than what the test results can show. At the same time though, Speech Pathology tests do give a reliable indicator of language skills and how those skills might impact future learning at school etc.

In my experience, when it comes to their children, mothers are usually right! If a mother (or father) has a concern about their child, it is worth looking into it. (Sure, there are some mothers who are overly anxious about stuff, and some mothers who don't worry AT ALL, but generally, mothers know when something is not right).

And, if you see a health professional, please give them the benefit of the doubt! You don't have to agree with or do everything they say. They are not always right. They do make mistakes. Tell them your concerns if you think they are on the wrong track. They probably won't see everything your child can do in a single assessment session - that's why you need to give them the extra information!

Do remember though, a health professional has at least 4 years of university education and they have seen and assessed many, many toddlers, preschoolers and school-aged children. They know what "average" is and they know what might indicate a difficulty. They know more than another mother at play-group knows and more than a Facebook friend knows. They usually know how to help, or where to refer you to get the help you need. And usually, they are trying to help. 

Okay, I'm done now!

If you have 3 kids...

STAY HOME!

It seems some people in the community don't want people with 3 kids (or at least 3 small kids) out in public.

On Saturday morning,  Matt and I took the three kids for a walk to the park. On the way home we stopped in at Gloria Jeans for some drinks. Everything was going well. Matt went up to order the drinks. Miss Chilled was fast asleep in the pram, Miss Chatterbox was behaving perfectly and Mr Cheeky was doing as well as can be expected for a 19-month-old boy with energy to burn. 

Then Mr Cheeky managed to slip down off his seat and knock his chin on the wooden table. He started crying (with good reason). I picked him up for a cuddle, but he continued to cry (loudly) for a little bit longer. 

As Matt was waiting in line, the older man standing behind him muttered to everyone "What is she doing here with 3 kids anyway? They shouldn't be here". Matt turned around and said something like "They're alright", but he didn't want to make a big deal of it. (This guy must have been a bit embarrassed when Matt came over to sit with us after he placed our order!)

My first reaction when Matt told me what happened was to get all worried. Does everyone think this way? What about the people who smile and are friendly to us? Are they really thinking we shouldn't be out and about? Are we so offensive to everyone?

My second reaction was to get angry. It was Gloria Jeans - hardly a 5-star establishment. It was mid-morning on a Saturday, not an unreasonable hour for young children to be out. The kids were being really well-behaved - not running through the store, not yelling or screaming, not throwing things. They hadn't even spilt anything yet! Until the bumping chin incident, they had been sitting (fairly) quietly, waiting for babycinos.

My third reaction (which is actually only coming to me as I am typing this) is to feel sorry for the cranky old man. I actually see him fairly regularly around our suburb. He is always alone. Maybe he never knew the blessing of having kids of his own? Maybe he is not well (physically or mentally)?

I pray that when my kids have grown-up, I will still remember how hard it can be when out and about with small children.  I hope that I will be offering an encouraging smile, or a kind word, rather than a complaint or a dirty look. I pray that I will not care more about my own "peace and quiet" than the feelings of someone else.

For those without kids... how do you feel about kids in public places?
For those with kids... what kind of reactions have you had? Do you feel unwelcome in public?

Preparing little learners - who is responsible?

For a little while now, there has been talk in educational circles about the discrepancy between how children are learning in the "real world", and what is expected of them in a formal learning environment (school).

The "real world" in 2011 is a highly stimulating place. We get quick snippets of new information, often from multiple sources at once (think TV, computers, games, phones, advertising). We are often using multiple senses (e.g. looking, hearing, feeling, tasting. smelling). Some medical and educational professionals use the term "sensory bombardment" to describe what is pretty much our permanent state. This "sensory bombardment" isn't always a negative thing either. Children need some freedom to explore their environments and enjoy them with all their senses (a baby eating dirt, children engaging in messy play, physical exploration etc).

In contrast, the classroom environment is "boring". Kids are often expected to keep a tight rein on at least 3 of their senses (feeling, tasting, smelling) while they look and listen. Often what they are looking at is not particularly visually stimulating (watching a teacher write on a board) and what they are hearing is not auditorally stimulating (a single voice talking). Many children, coming from the "real world" struggle in a formal learning environment. 

[This type of discussion is also linked to concern that some children are medicated (with drugs for ADHD/ ADD) to help them cope with this under-stimulating learning environment. This is not to say that ADHD is entirely a product of the discrepancy between the sensory bombardment of the real world and the sensory under stimulation in the classroom. More and more educators are of the opinion that this discrepancy contributes to an over diagnosis of ADHD however].

My husband was shown a clip at school (he is a high school teacher), written and narrated by Ken Robinson. It is about how the current structure of education is failing modern students. Go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWG0OMEruJg to check it out if you are interested. The basic thesis is that the school system is outdated. The system discourages creative thinking/ lateral thinking, and encourages conformity of thought. It separates students into the 'academic' and the 'non-academic' based on their capacity for book-based learning, without opportunities to exercise other areas of strength.  It also segregates students based on those who can "pay attention" and those who can't.

At the same time that my husband has been telling me all about this educational discussion, I happen to be reading a book called "Preschool Wise". It is from the controversial "Babywise" series by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. Chapter six is contributed by Robyn Vander Weide, a former teacher, school principal, author and professional educator. Vander Weide agrees that "the two bedrock skills necessary to build a firm foundation for learning include a strong attention span and ability to focus" (p. 118). Vander Weide goes on to provide examples of how parents can promote their child's attention and focussing skills.

It is interesting that both Robinson and Vander Weide agree that a student's ability to attend and focus contributes significantly to school success or failure. But while Robinson argues that it is the place of the school system to adapt to modern students (mind you, he gives no indication of the specifics of how this could be done!), Vander Weide argues that it is the responsibility of parents to prepare their children with the ability to attend and focus. According to Vander Weide, parents should provide their children with structure in their home environment, parents should choose most of the day's activities, and encourage their children to gradually increase the time they spend on individual tasks. Vander Weide also emphasises the importance of children having individual play-time to build their focus and creativity in play with only a couple of toys. According to Vander Weide, these are vital activities to build attention and focus and prepare children for school.

What do you think? Is the ability to attend and focus innate or can it be taught? Is it the responsibility of the parent to prepare their child for school in this way, or do schools need to adapt?

I think schools need to change but I don't trust that to happen quickly. Sure, little changes are happening here and there - increased computer time at school, catering to different learning styles, mixing up whole class, individual and small group work etc. but real change will take a lot of time. 

In the meantime, I do structure our days for the most part (though I "plan" free play time as well). If I don't suggest a group of toys or an area for our kids to play in, they will wander around aimlessly, opening cupboards and drawers and getting into things they don't need to. I don't think I will need to do this as much as they get older, but a 1 and a 2 year old do need a fair bit of direction. I never thought of this as encouraging their attention and focus skills, but if it helps...