Married sex... the world misinterprets

I'm going to come right out and say it... Married people often have the best sex.

This is not the kind of thing I would usually talk about on The Useful Box (or in pretty much any forum really) but... married people, and even married Christians, enjoy sex. 

People have made insinuations about this aspect of our marriage because Matt and I had 3 children in 3 years. Awkward. Many people out there enjoy sex and haven't had 3 children in 3 years. Thanks contraception.

But, I wanted to tell you about how much married people (and even married people who have only ever had sex with each other) can enjoy sex. I think the world presents us with a lot of misinformation about sex. I have been confronted by some of these misrepresentations over the Christmas/ New Year break, both through what I see in the media, and what I hear from some of my non-Christian friends. 

This is what the world tells me:

• Married sex is boring, infrequent, a duty
• Married women are, for the most part, not sexually fulfilled
• Extra-marital sex is exciting, frequent, a pleasure
• Sex before marriage is normal and wise ("try before you buy")
• Saving sex for marriage is quaint and old-fashioned at best, stupid at worst
• Married women do not want to have sex (or not very often)
• Married women use sex as a weapon against their husbands to get what they want
• Married men are frustrated by a lack of sex or by having to earn the right to have sex
• Young, unmarried women are sexy
• Married women (especially with kids or over the age of 30) are not sexy (unless you happen to be in that rare category referred to as the "yummy mummy")
• People who have only had sex with one person (e.g. their husband or wife) are naive, inexperienced, sexually repressed
• Sex in a Christian marriage = procreation only
• Sex in a Christian marriage = missionary position
• People who oppose pornography, prostitution, orgies, or any other form of sexual expression between consenting adults are prudish and anti-sex

What the Bible (and my experience) tells me:

• Married sex can (and should) be exciting, frequent and pleasurable
• Saving sex for marriage is the wisest choice (even though pre-marriage it may not feel that way)
• Having many sexual partners is not the same as being sexually experienced
• Married women do want to have sex. And sometimes when they don't, they can choose to have it anyway, to please their husbands. Sort of like the way my husband might change a nappy when he doesn't feel like it, in order to please me... only more enjoyable!
• Married women can experience the greatest sexual fulfillment
• Though to the objective eye I am no "yummy mummy", I am the standard of beauty to my husband (and so are you, to your husband...)
• When it comes to knowing my husband, I am the most sexually experienced woman around.
• Sex is a gift from God for procreation, but also for creating unity in marriage and enjoyment. I have been pregnant 4 times (with one pregnancy resulting in miscarriage). In case you wondered, in 8.5 years of marriage, we have had sex more than 4 times.
• In line with God's view of sex being for unity and enjoyment, sex in a Christian marriage is not limited to the missionary position
• God has set clear Biblical guidelines against sex outside of marriage. From God's perspective pornography, prostitution, orgies etc are not helpful in building the unity and enjoyment of sex in marriage. Some (though I know not all) people who have experienced sex in these forms would agree that they lead to loneliness, lack of contentment, jealousy... or at worst, to abuse, hurt, and violation of human rights (e.g. human trafficking).

As I mentioned above, although sex is not a taboo topic among my friends, it is also not something I discuss regularly! But, based on the discussions I have had, it is often the friends who have had the most sexual experiences prior to their current relationship, who have the least enjoyable and fulfilling sex lives in their marriages. It is the friends who have the most sexual experience who also notice that their husbands are more likely to use pornography or be unfaithful. It is sometimes my most physically attractive friends who have struggled with feeling attractive to their husbands. 

Sadly, it is not only the world that misinterprets what sex within marriage is like. Christians and churches have and continue to misrepresent God's ideals on sex in marriage. But this is the subject of another post...

Do you think the world misrepresents married sex?

Christians (should) have more sex: Discuss

Last week, I was chatting with a long-time friend - a fellow Christian, fellow wife and fellow mother. 

We spent a lot of time talking about how to be more godly, more loving, more gentle, more servant-hearted, more engaged wives and mothers.

We also spent time talking about how Christian mums and wives should be (and shouldn't be) different from our non-Christian friends.

One area we talked about was this.

My friend recalled a conversation with her mother's group friends (mostly not Christian), where many of them confessed (or in some cases, proudly asserted) that they had not had sex with their husbands/ partners since about halfway through their pregnancies. At the time, I believe their babies were 8 or 9 months old.

That is close to a year in a marriage/ long-term relationship without sex.

I have heard similar stories from some of my non-Christian friends (not ALL, only SOME). I'm sure there are similar stories in Christian marriages/ relationships too, but maybe they are not shared as readily or so proudly asserted.

My friend commented; "There must be a lot of sad husbands out there". And, I would suggest, a lot of sad relationships.

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It is pretty annoying that Christians are perceived to be prudish, anti-sex, etc when we are (or should be) the ones having all the sex (within marriage). {I say this in a purely general sense, I'm not revealing any personal details}

Here is why:

• God takes a very high view of sex. He made it. He wants married couples to use it and enjoy it. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another… (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) 
• Sex strengthens the bond of a relationship and makes the relationship closer. (Generally speaking, this is particularly the case for men, sort of like a fantastic conversation strengthens a relationship for women).
• Sex is an important way for married couples to serve each other
• Constantly withholding or denying sex is not only discouraging, but hurtful to your husband/ wife and impacts your relationship (negatively)
• Constantly withholding sex makes it harder for a marriage to stand up against external temptation (flirtation from other people, pornography)

It is not always easy to make sex a priority in a marriage. In reality, there is tiredness, illness, interruptions from children... Of course, there are situations in some marriages (illness, disability etc) where it is impossible to make sex a regular part of the marriage. But, in general, it honours God when sex is a regular part of Christian marriages. 

And, I don't think this is exclusive to Christian marriages. It seems to me that all marriages/ long-term relationships benefit from following God's advice in this area.

I have a lovely and very wise non-Christian friend. When this came up in conversation following my old blog post (the link above), she remarked (something like) "I don't know why I am so reluctant to have sex at times. My husband does heaps of things for me that he doesn't always feel like doing (e.g. changing nappies, taking out garbage). I don't understand why I find it hard to make the same effort for him in this area." Give and take.

Christians (should) have more sex: Discuss